Mom and daughter operated in this kind of dysfunctional connection for a decade before Julie realized the grow- ing venom and resentment she felt toward her mom. She’d started avoiding her, and when they were together, Julie was either curt or silent. Then Julie sought counseling to find a way to detach with love, for- give, and live her own life while still honoring her mother.
At first, her mother resisted the change in their relation- ship. She cried, balked, and felt sorry for herself. But as Julie stood her ground and learned how to separate and draw some healthy boundaries, her mother finally got the message: She needed to have her own life, not try to live through her daughter. She got involved in a Bible study and community projects, participating in life on her own for a change. Through those groups she made some new friends.
As Julie and her mom created some space from each other, their mother-daughter relationship became more open, and what her mother had longed for hap- pened: Julie drew close and began to enjoy her mom more than ever—quite a contrast to spending time with her because she felt obligated to. That’s what happens when we allow our daughters to grow into the adults they’re supposed to be. Then they are free to return on their own timetable.
Just as Julie and her mom experienced from establish- ing boundaries, our relationships with our own daughters
Breaking Unhealthy Ties In her book The Emotionally Destructive Relation- ship, Leslie Vernick points out the following signs of a too close, emotionally destructive relationship: one person is regularly overprotective, overbearing—or both—toward the other; one person is over depend- ent upon the other to affirm her personal value and worth and meet all her needs; one person exhibits chronic indifference, neglect, or both toward the thoughts, feelings, or well-being of the other.
If you sense your daughter and you have been a bit too close for comfort or you’re dissatisfied with her distance, maybe it’s time to reconnect with your- self. Take some time to get to know yourself better and identify your hopes and dreams, your “bucket list” of things you want to do while you’re still on this side of the grass. Get comfortable with just being with yourself, journaling your thoughts and feelings, and being fine with solitude.
And make time to cultivate your own friend- ships. That’s one of the best things we moms can do for our daughters, especially during the college and twenty-something years when our daughter’s devel- opmental task is to separate from us. We can share thoughts and appropriate feelings, of course, but it’s not a daughter’s job to be the repository of intimate details of your life. It’s vital to avoid confiding to her toxic feelings about her father (or another family member) that will negatively affect her relationship with that person. It’s not her job to be your thera- pist. That’s too heavy a burden to bear.
When you shape her into that role, it brings turmoil during a formative stage of her life and can mess up her own sense of identity and sexuality. She’s still your daughter, and you are not her little girl. If you don’t switch the roles, the relationship will be healthi- er—and isn’t that what you want? Your daughter will be freer to live her life and develop her own identity, friendships, and interests. And as you are available without hovering and detached without cutting her off, she’ll have the emotional energy she needs for learning and tackling the normal challenges of her adult years.
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