Tips to make co-


parenting easier for you and your kids


Publisher, Elva “Precious Love” Thompson and her 10-year-old twins Precious, Jr. (PJ) Delwayne, Jr. (DJ)


"Tell your father he hasn't sent the check yet," or "Ask your mother if you can go fishing with me next week." These messages place your child in an un- comfortable position. In Roman days, messengers who brought bad news lost their heads, just like chil- dren do (figuratively) today.


As you and your former spouse figure out custody arrangements, visitation schedules and attempt to co-parent, these important reminders will help you help your children:


Don't bad-mouth your ex. Children don't want to hear bad things about either of their parents, and they especially do not want to take sides. No pur- pose is served in criticizing the other parent to your children.


Don't use your children as spies. Children should be given the freedom to enjoy each parent without hindrance or fear of being cross- examined. Children become angry when asked to spy and can easily withdraw from both parents. If you are not sure whether you are using your chil- dren as spies, then ask them. You may be blind to what you are doing and so preoccupied with your hurt that you cannot see what is happening. They'll tell you!


Don't use your children to carry messag- es. There is usually a period of time following di- vorce when one parent is afraid to encounter the other, either for fear of letting out feelings of bitter- ness or for fear of what the ex-spouse will do or say. Under these conditions, a parent may be- come cowardly and hide behind the children.


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The child will usually come to resent both parents for having to carry messages. To avoid alienating your children, do your own dirty work! Be coura- geous and assertive. Speak directly to your former wife or husband.


Give your child permission to love the other par- ent. As parents, we are not always completely hon- est with ourselves, and we don't always know what messages we are sending our children. It is safer, therefore, to be explicit in this area. Tell your child specifically that it is OK to love his or her father or mother.


Encourage the discussion of feelings. The open expression of feelings tends to create a healthier environment. But freedom of speech does not mean freedom to insult or punish. Children are often so frustrated and angry at the world that they would readily dump their hostility on you and turn you into an emotional punching bag. This should not be tol- erated. Anger should be talked about, not acted out.


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