Can Moms be too Close to their Daughters?


Editor-in-Chief, Candace Flanagan and her 20-year-old University of Florida Triplets—L to R, Kelly, Sarah & Rachel


We all want connection with our daughters, but when we become overly close; it can hinder their transition to adulthood.


There are lots of positive things about being good friends with your daughters. I’ve talked to moms who say their adult daughters are their very closest, best friends. They shop together and tell each other every- thing. We all want connections with our daughters, but when Mom sees her daughters as her main confidantes or they become overly close, it can hinder a healthy tran- sition to adulthood. That was the case for Julie.


Julie and her mother had always been close. Yet from high school on, her biggest struggle was that her mom was so involved in her life it was suffocating. She appre- ciated and loved her mom, but during the college years she wanted a little distance to grow. But her mom kept needing to be needed. She was dependent on her daughter’s dependency, which fostered insecurity in Ju- lie. This sweet, caring mother had done everything for her daughter when she lived at home and then kept do- ing everything even through her daughter’s twenties (her taxes, reconciling her checkbook, and doing her laundry, all of which Julie was capable of doing herself). “You’re so busy; come home this weekend and I’ll get it all done.” Her mom did all this with the best of intentions, and she expected a lot from her daughter in return.


Julie’s dad had been emotionally absent early on, so as a child, Julie was expected to be her mom’s listen- er. Hers was the shoulder her mother cried on when she was upset.


Being mom’s main emotional support felt spiritual and noble, especially when she had to sacrifice some of her own fun times with friends, but it was actually detri- mental to the process of Julie’s learning to grow up and live her own life.


When she started pulling away in small steps during col- lege, like spending the weekend on campus for an activi- ty with friends, her mom asked guilt-producing questions like, “Why aren’t you coming home more?” or “Are your friends more fun than I am?” Being a compliant people pleaser, Julie got sucked into an enmeshed relationship with her mother. She gave up a lot of her own perfectly normal desires and interests in order to go home when her mom needed companionship or to call her more of- ten than she had time for.


Julie’s mom didn’t realize she was manipulating situa- tions and thereby preventing her daughter from being a stable, healthy adult. Mom’s hyper-involvement eventu- ally not only hurt Julie’s ability to feel good about herself and live her own life, it also hurt their relationship.


Consequently, while her greatest wish was for her daughter to get married, Julie’s mother didn’t realize her over involvement was a big part of the reason her daughter wasn’t developing a relationship with a guy. When Julie didn’t marry through her twenties and early thirties, her mom asked from time to time, out of real concern, “Don’t you want to get married?” This is never a good question for us to ask.


6 PHF MAGAZINE


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