R E L A T IO NSH I P S


THE MAN CAVE by John Broadbent


Men are in a more difficult place than women because of women’s natural inclination toward intimacy with their friends, and many men have no one close they can confide in.


THE ‘MAN CAVE’ HAS BEEN THE subject of much conjecture and even ridicule. There are various definitions to be found on the internet and I particularly liked this one from The Official Man Cave Site (yes, there is one!) at www. mancavesite.org:


man cave [man-keyv] noun: A dedicated area of a house, such as a basement, workshop, or garage, where a man can be alone or socialise with his friends.


Actually, men have external and


internal man caves. The external man cave is generally a place where a man can go into his own space, away from the family and what one site described as ‘female sensibilities’. By this they mean a place where the rules are not set by the women of the house, but by the man cave owner himself, a place to be quiet, read, potter, attend to a hobby, watch films or just about anything else a man might do. The site mentioned above even has competitions for the Man Cave of the Year with photos and hints on how to DIY! If decorated, it is always decorated


by the man himself since any female influence such as furnishings defeats the very purpose of the man cave, which is intended to be a female-influence-free habitat. It can be a place for solitude or mateship, depending on the man’s requirements. I’m not sure what women think of such places, which are probably more tolerated than understood. However they fulfill a basic need for men to get some time away from their normal routines and pressures of daily life.


The internal man cave is a place where


a man might go, inside of himself. Any woman reading this who has spent any length of time with a man in a relationship will know when the, ‘Do not disturb’ sign is up, and any man will know exactly what this place is for them. It is often represented by a ‘mood’ that clearly states, “I don’t wish to talk, explore my feelings or get into any deep and meaningful (D&M) conversation. I simply wish to be left to internally process whatever it is that’s going on inside of me.” At a men’s gathering I attended in 2012


the topic of the internal man cave came up and, after various comments and points of view, we men concluded that there are actually two inner man caves. The first is the entrance cave that has a metaphorical door, usually left open, where the man might go for some internal solitude. Outwardly the man may seem distant, not present, distracted, as he chews his cud and mulls over whatever it is that’s troubling him. Sometimes he may retreat to his physical man cave to distract himself, since we men aren’t usually good at sitting with uncomfortable feelings, unless we’ve done it many times before. The message here is, “I’m troubled, I’m


thinking about stuff and trying to work out what to do next; so just leave me be for a while, let me know you care (an occasional cup of tea?), try to keep the kids under control, and it most probably isn’t about something you’ve done.” The advice to women here is to, in the


immortal words of The Beatles, ‘Let it be!’ and show you’re there if needed. Do your best to not engage or pry by asking probing questions!


The second internal man cave is the one


at the back of the open-door ante-cave, with a big steel door and painted with skull and crossbones. The message here is much blunter: “Leave me alone because I’m really upset or hurting, and I’ve retreated so I don’t do any harm to you or myself. You’ll know when I’m ready to talk because, if or when I can find the words, I’ll probably tell you.” Even if this expression is viewed by


those observing as lacking in emotional intelligence, it’ll be an inkling into that inner chamber of the man cave. While the first ante-cave might have the metaphorical lounge, remote control, good book, fridge or movie, this inner cave is bare and set up for pacing since we do our best thinking on our metaphorical feet! An aware man who has explored his


emotional quadrant and developed the skills to navigate this place might even go for an actual walk, to put some distance between himself and the situation, and to get some ‘air’ that will allow perhaps just a hint of perspective. Be prepared, though, that when the man returns, he might have something to say… but don’t have any expectations. Women can help enormously here by


identifying first that the man has retreated, either emotionally or physically, and the nature of that retreat as indicated by the pervading mood. If I can provide any salient advice it is to let the man do what he knows how to do and that is process. Women tend to think that, just because a man isn’t talking about something, he’s moved on in the hope it’ll go away. Yes, that does happen. However, most men simply need the opportunity afforded by


MAN UNPLUGGEDJOHN BROADBENT


Exploring modern masculinity ~ for men and women.


VENUE: Narrabeen Tramshed 1395A Pittwater Rd Narrabeen NSW DATE: Wed 6 Aug ‘14 TIME: 7 to 9pm BOOKINGS: bit.ly/manunpluggedqna


26 july 2014


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