accountable. Including the fee for coaching in the church budget is a wise investment in both the pastor and the congregation. • Keep a journal. Write in it for at least a few minutes every day. It will help you be objective, and over time you’ll see behavior patterns instead of an emotional blur. • Work to maintain a balanced life. Take days off and vacations—espe- cially when dealing with a conflict because that’s when we don’t function best. • Be selective about what you share at home. When pastors bring prob- lems home, spouses and older chil- dren may become cynical, resentful and alienated from the church. This is where a peer group of pastors comes in handy.


Oswald also advises synod bishops to get to know pastors before trouble starts. It’s hard to establish a relation- ship of trust once trouble brews, he said. A fund for someone to fill in while the stressed-out staff person takes a week or more off is also helpful, he added.


Marcus C. Lohrmann, bishop of the Northwestern Ohio Synod, said healthy pastor-parishioner relation- ships begin in the call process. “When I’m meeting with pastoral candidates, I ask, ‘What is important to you in pastoral vocation? Tell the congrega- tion so they know. These are pieces you need to have real clarity about.’ And call committees need to do the same: ‘What does the pastor need to know about you as a congregation?’ ” When the interview is over, pas- tor and call committees need to ask one another, “Is there anything else I should know about you?” Lohrmann said. “There needs to be a very early understanding between pastor and people about priorities,” he added. Staying focused on mission and core values is key—early on and in


times of conflict, he said. A mission statement helps that happen, as does beginning meetings with Bible study or the eucharist. Doing so reminds them that “this is what we care about. ... This is what shapes our life together,” he said. Lohrmann also suggested that council members sign a covenant to worship regularly, give generously and support the church’s mission and ministry. Leadership needs to be shaped by faith practices and a com- mitment to work together, he said. But it’s also important to empower the whole body of Christ, not just a few.


And pastors can use conflict as teaching moments. “Conflict is not bad, it’s how we grow,” Lohrmann said. “So pastors need to not panic but also ask themselves ‘How did I con- tribute to this?’ and ‘How do I teach what is central to the Christian faith in the midst of this?’ ”


Oswald said both synod offices and pastors need to do whatever they can in advance to avoid pastor-parish conflicts. “We ought to warn first- call pastors [in small congregations] they’re not going to really be in charge for four or five years,” Oswald said, only half joking. “You’re a consul- tant to the matriarchs or patriarchs. If you’ve got an idea you’re going to try and they don’t like it, then drop it and wait for the next idea to come up.” He suggested pastors in the call process ask about former clergy. Dis- covering the circumstances of how predecessors left can give a powerful clue, he said. Getting in touch with neighboring clergy is also helpful since they know best if churches in their town or city have mistreated clergy, Oswald said. “At least then clergy will have a better sense of what they’re walking into,” he said. “They may still take the call, but they’ll know there are going to be bumps. They may be a casualty,


but they may need the job and decide they’ll at least give it a try. It’s better than being blindsided.” 


Next month: The spiritual discipline of “loving the enemy.”


And now, parishioners E


very congregation has potential for conflict, and both pastor and parishioner are responsible for stemming the tide. If you’re an average pew-sitter, here are some things Roy Oswald of the Center for Emotional Intelligence and Human Relations Skills suggests doing for your pastor(s): • Every five years or so, hold a pastor appreciation day, perhaps with a potluck. Why wait until your pastor leaves to heap on such kindness? • Ask your pastor how he or she is doing. If the pastor shares profes- sional or personal challenges, offer to pray for him/her and then do it. • Volunteer to be on the pastor/par- ish relations or the mutual ministry committees.


• Send your pastor a card or note every few months, saying how much you appreciate his/her ministry.


• Stop by with baked goods or a casserole—especially if your pas- tor is single but also if both part- ners work full time. • Since clergy rarely have a week- end off, advocate for giving them one off every quarter, not counted as vacation. • Advocate for getting your pastor a three-month sabbatical every five years. Most workers get 11 long weekends a year, the equiva- lent of a three-month sabbatical every five years. The Lilly Foun- dation and the Louisville Institute offer grants.


February 2011 31


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