Following these steps could save clergy-parishioner relationships


By Julie B. Sevig F


rom the pastor to the pew-sitter, practi- cal steps can be taken to promote healthy relationships in congregations. Doing so may cut down on conflict, especially bullying toward pastors—which seasoned church con- sultant Roy Oswald said is heightened in days of church budget shortfalls.


In times of falling numbers (attendance and


offerings), Oswald said clergy blame them- selves (“If I were just more charismatic”) or parishioners blame the pastor (“If she/he were just more charismatic”).


Promoting


Oswald is executive director of the Center for Emotional Intelligence and Human Rela- tions Skills (www.eqhrcenter.org) and for 31 years was senior consultant at the Alban Insti- tute in Washington, D.C., a center of learning and leadership development with a focus on congregations. Bullying—pastors and others— is a phenomenon undergoing a resurgence, he said. He offers pastors these suggestions: • Ignore anonymous complaints. Make it clear that you don’t take seriously something that’s anonymous. If a church council member says, “I promised I wouldn’t say who said this, but …,” stop the speaker and say we won’t deal with anonymous complaints. One pastor announced: “I received a letter with a complaint. ... It wasn’t signed so I threw it in the wastebasket. If you have something to say, sign your name and I will take it seriously. That’s our mature norm.” • Establish a mutual ministry committee. Don’t confuse this with the per- sonnel committee or the group that evaluates the pastor and decides on salary. Choose a few people whose job it is to try to understand what it’s like to be a pastor in the church. If there’s a gossip or antagonist in the group, the pastor won’t be able to honestly show his/her pain and frustrations. Meet regularly— the pastor shouldn’t call the group together only when something “comes up.” • Meet with a peer group. Support from outside the congregation is just as important. A good clergy group is more than a gathering to complain and/or


Sevig is an associate editor of The Lutheran. 30 The Lutheran • www.thelutheran.org


brag. Pastors who can share their pain and vulnerability in this group can be a life raft to one another, especially when times are tough. A peer group can give support and perspective that others can’t. • Get a coach. Hire a life/vocation coach from the start, before the atmo- sphere becomes hostile. Laypeople in congregations who know the value of coaches can be advocates. Coaches help pastors and other leaders reflect on their ministry, listen, examine alternatives and hold the minister


health


MICHAEL D. WATSON


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