MEDITATION
Meditation: The Dark Side Warning: meditation in high enough doses has
severe side effects and most of them are unpleasant. These side effects are unavoidable.
by Dr Jeannet Weijers
M
editation in sufficient doses is a serious business. Contrary to the promises of
peace, love, and stress relief, serious meditators will inevitably encounter a phase of practice called ‘the dark night’. Speaking from experience, the dark night is not fun! In ‘Theravada Buddhist speak’ the
dark night phase is an encounter with the Dukka Nana, the knowledge of suffering. ‘The dark night’ is a term borrowed from Christianity’s Saint John of the Cross in his book Dark Night of the Soul. ‘The dark night’ nicely evokes the challenges found in this phase of practice.
Meditation diary, excerpt May 2015: Fear, misery, disgust, desire for deliverance. I can’t believe they are all happening in exactly in that order. The fear is visceral. It screams through my whole body. I’ve realised I am playing around with my own self-annihilation. It dawns on me that I am trapped in this body and worse; I was foolish enough to start meditation.
30 APRIL 2017
I am stuck. Meditation – this miserable, horrible meditation – is the only way out. A wave of revulsion washes over
me. This body is disgusting. My mouth involuntarily forms a grimace. This horrible body thing with all its orifices and fluids, yuck. I can barely swallow my own saliva. My mind is insane and the noise in my
body/mind is relentless and chaotic. Can someone get me out of here?
Make it stop? Ah, peace at last. What a joke! I am struck by the
inadequacy of the word ‘acceptance’. Acceptance implies choice, but I am at meditation’s mercy. It dawns on me in a very real and
visceral way that surrender is not something you do but what happens when there is no other way out.
INSIGHT MEDITATION My meditation practice is a one to two hours per day ‘insight’ or Vipassana meditation. The goal of this practice is not happiness, relaxation, or stress relief. The goal of insight meditation is to awaken from the illusion of separation.
Contrary to many meditators though, I know what I am getting myself into. I have a map of the path and an advisor (see references). Despite the horror I am experiencing, I recognise it as ‘the dark night’. Although hugely confronting, challenging, and just plain awful, I was expecting this phase and see it as a sign of progress. I also know (hope) that I will make it out the other side where immensely good things are waiting. Despite my promises to keep the dark
night stuff to myself, this phase affects all areas of my daily life. I am exhausted, miserable, cranky and fuzzy-headed. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I am getting depressed. I also know stopping meditation won’t help. The only way out is through.
EQUANIMITY Meditation diary, excerpt July 2015: So easy. Easy, effortless spontaneously observing. Moments of exquisite bliss. Simply awareness observing itself. I am out of the dark night and into the
next stage called ‘equanimity’. Equanimity is such a huge relief. I feel at ease but
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