San Diego Reader February 23, 2017 65
news of the WeiRD
LEAD STORY — T e salary the Golden State Warriors pay to basketball whiz Stephen Curry may be a bar- gain at $12 million a year, but the economics is weirder about the prices Curry’s fans pay on the street for one of his used mouthguards re- trieved from the arena fl oor aſt er a game. One used, sticky, saliva-encased teeth-protector went for $3,190 at one August auction, and SCP Auctions of California is predicting $25,000 for another, expelled during the NBA champion- ship series last June. ESPN Magazine reported “at least” 35 Twitter accounts dedicated to Cur- ry’s mouthguard.
Cultural Diversity — In parts of Panama, some men still fi ght for access to women with the ferocity of rutting male elks. T e indigenous Ngabe people most- ly keep to themselves in rural areas but have surfaced in towns like Volcan, near the Costa Rican border, where in December a reporter witnessed two men fi st-fi ghting to bloody ex- haustion on the street in a typical “mi lucha” (“my struggle”), with the loser’s wife follow- ing the winner home. As the custom loses its cachet, only about a third of the time does the wife now comply, according to the website Nar- ratively.
The Continuing Crisis — Over a six-year period (the latest measured), drug companies and pharmacies legally dis- tributed 780 million pain pills in West Virginia — averaging to 433 for every man, woman, and child. T ough rules require dispensers to
investigate “suspicious” overprescribing, little was done, according to a recent Drug Enforce- ment Administration report obtained by the Gazette-Mail of Charleston — even though half of the pills were supplied by the nation’s “big three” drugmakers (whose CEOs’ compensa- tion is enriched enormously by pain-pill pro- duction). Worse, year-by-year the strengths of the pills prescribed increase as users’ tolerance demands. (West Virginia residents dispropor- tionately suff er from unemployment, coal-min- ing-related disabilities and poor health.) — University of Kentucky professor Buck Ryan disclosed in December that he had been punished recently (loss of travel funds and a “prestigious” award) by his dean for singing the Beach Boys classic “California Girls” for a lesson comparing American and Chinese cul- tures — because of the song’s “language of a sexual nature.” T e school’s “coordinator” on sexual harassment issues made the ruling, ap- parently absent student complaints, for Ryan’s lyric change of “Well, East Coast girls are hip” to “Well, Shanghai girls are hip.” — Because the 2015 San Bernardino, Califor- nia, terrorist attack that killed 14 and seriously wounded 22 was a “workplace” injury (in that the shooters fi red only at fellow employees), any health insurance the victims had was super- seded exclusively by coverage under the state’s “workers’ compensation” system — a system largely designed for typical job injuries, such as back pain and slip-and-falls. T us, for example, one San Bernardino victim with “hundreds of pieces of shrapnel” still in her body even aſt er multiple surgeries and in constant pain, must
nevertheless constantly argue her level of care with a bureaucrat pressured by budgetary is- sues and forced to massage sets of one-size-fi ts- all guidelines.
Wait, What? — T e Las Vegas Sun reported in December that Nevada slot- and video-machine gamblers leſt almost $12 million on the fl oor during 2012 (i.e., winning tickets that remain uncashed for six months, thus reverting to the state), run- ning the fi ve-year total to nearly $35 million. — T e pre-game injury report for college foot- ball’s Dec. 31 Citrus Bowl included two Univer- sity of Louisville linebackers, Henry Famurewa and James Hearns, who were out of action against Louisiana State because of “gunshot wounds.”
The Entrepreneurial Spirit! — Passengers awaiting trains in 35 stations in France now fi nd kiosks dispensing short sto- ries to pass the time. A wide range of selec- tions (even poetry!), in suggested reading-time lengths of one, three, and fi ve minutes, can be printed out for free. — T e only U.S. vending machine for cham- pagne is now operational in the 23rd-fl oor lob- by of the Mandarin Oriental hotel in Las Vegas. Moet and Chandon bubbly can be purchased with $20 tokens sold at the front desk.
New World Order — Recent Awkward Apps: (1) T e Kerastase Hair Coach (a “smart” hairbrush with Wi-Fi, monitoring brush strokes “on three axes” to
by Chuck Shepherd © 2017
manage “frizziness, dryness, split ends and breakage”); (2) Te still-in-prototype “Kissen- ger” (witha “meat-colored” rubbery dock for a smartphone that the user can kiss and have the sensation transmitted to a lover’s receiving dock over the internet); (3) Te Ozmo smart cup (to “effortlessly” “empower you with a plat- form for better hydration choices” in your wa- terand coffeeconsumption—withsoſtware for other drinks coming soon!); (4) Te Prophix toothbrush (with a video camera so you catch areas your brushing might have missed).
Unclear on the Concept — In December the European Union’s 28 na- tions reached what members called a historic agreement to thwart terrorists: a ban on private citizens’ possessing semi-automatic weapons — but exempted terrorists’firearmof choice, the Kalishikov assault weapon. (Finland vetoed in- clusionofthe AK-47 becauseofconcerns about training its reservists.)
Least Competent Criminals —ADecemberpostonthe Marietta,Georgia, police department’s Facebook page chided a shopliſter still at large who had leſt his ID and fingerprints (and inadvertently posed for secu- rity cameras).Tepolice,noting“howeasy” the man had made their job, “begged” him to give them some sort of challenge: “Please at least try to hide.” Suspect Dale Tice was soon in custody.
Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, San Diego Reader, P.O. Box 85803, San Diego, CA 92186 or to
WeirdNewsTips@Yahoo.com
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