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I guess it was only a mat- ter of time before the past caught up to me. I’ve seen movies. That’s what the
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Dear Hipster: As a followup to the question from the lady who wrote in a little while ago asking about brightly colored clothes, what are the most and least hipster colors (both in and out of fashion)?
— LILLY
Color choice says a lot about who you are as a hipster. Neon or day-glo tones tell the world,
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“I am in love with the early 1990s! I may not have even been born then, but I sure want people to think I was.” Black is the color of the self-proclaimed
überhipster (not to be confused with the hipster Uber driver) who disclaims any affectations of hip- sterness on the grounds of having been cool before being cool was cool. Rainbow pat-
terns that make it look like a unicorn booted all over your stuff (not to be con- fused with tie-dye) can mean, “Oh my god, Care Bears, amiright?!” or “I’m so manly I can afford to be ironi- cally fabulous,” or, “Just look at all the f**ks I don’t give!” Either way, super hipster. But really, it’s not so much the color
as how you use it. A hipster by any other hue would be as hip.
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Hello again, Hipster: I saw the attached graffiti near my workplace in Normal Heights. Are there hipster turf wars in San Diego? Is this the foodie gang’s tag? If they have a beef with another clique, does it involve real beef?
— XXXXXXX [NAME REDACTED FOR SECURITY]
HIPSTER@SDREADER.COM
they called it Project Hornrim. The CIA wanted aweaponto deploy against what it sawasarisingthreat of mainstream consumer
culture supported by face- less corporate juggernauts. They trained us in high- stakes cultural infiltration. Hipster agents invaded the music industry around the year 2000 and had some success turning
Top 40 radio so bad that nobody would listen to it anymore. Unfortunately, a lot of people ended up actually liking Jus- tin Bieber. We used to operate in radio silence.
Foodie gang turf claim in Normal Heights?
We could communicate only through tags like the one you saw in Normal Heights. My unit, Building Really Obscure Tasting Habits (BROTH), aimed to sabotage the mainstream fast-casual dining industry by seeding the foodie scene with cravings for kale and grass-fed meats. We tricked McDonald’s corporate brass into flavor- ing the fries with beef, then outed them to the press. We tried to undermine Coke through a carefully orchestrated dis- information cam- paign that began by planting the seeds of an idea to sell bot- tled tap water, then fanning the flames of indignation when people found out they’d been hood-
winked.Neither one met with success, and
once the White House caught on to what we were up to (turns out the government really likes mainstream consumerism — whoknew?) it waslightsout forBROTH and the rest of Operation Hornrim. Thehipster agents, disavowedbythe
CIA, vanished into the murky underworld of craft brewing and third-wave coffee roasting. I thought I was the only one left, but seeing this tag gives me hope that some of my fellow hipster agents are still out there, somewhere, fighting the good fight. I’ve got to go. I’ve said too much. — DJ Stevens
San Diego Reader February 23, 2017 11
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