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song lyrics, self-help books, and the occasional mind-bending dive into metaphysics. The best teacher, however, was my own experience, especially painful experience. Pain pried my eyes open to the truths found hidden in the depths of relationship despair, the same truths sought by so many brokenhearted letter writers. It is easy for me to identify with their anguish. Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to my former self when I correspond with them. How does one regain the magic of
courtship? The answer, of course, is that you don’t. Love – the feeling and love, the state of mind – are as different as yellow and blue. They can complement each other, but they exist in their own spheres. Love, the feeling, is a half tank of gas that will leave you stranded when you least expect it. Love, the state of mind, is the field of awareness in which we perceive and respond to the needs of our partners. It is built to last. Because it is not always enjoyable, we are reluctant to call it love. It requires that we give as much as we get. Making it through tough times together is how love deepens. Forget the old magic. This is the new magic disillusioned lovers should be turning their attention to. How can I win back my ex? The
nature of love is that two people come together willingly, so when seekers ask for strategies to win back their old lovers, I tell them that this only happens in romance novels and silly movies. I also point out that the other person was never theirs in the first place. We are not each other’s possessions. I can almost feel them scowl as I write the words. Sometimes respondents write back, but not often on this topic. Then there is the cluster of letter
writers who put up with bad behaviour from their partners, over and over again. I suggest that this is not love. It’s torture. I field a fair amount of letters from longtime friends who puzzle over whether it makes sense to transition into lovers, as if it were a mathematical rather than a chemical equation, as if an intimate friendship were somehow of lesser importance. My street logic is no match for
professional counselling, but then it’s 22 JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2017
love, the state of mind – are as different as yellow and blue.
answer, of course, is that you don’t. Love – the feeling and
How does one regain the magic of courtship? The
not supposed to be. I’m more the chin- scratching uncle that visitors to the site never had. One thing I am sure of is that falling
in love is easy. Any fool can do it. It’s staying in love that’s the hard part. Love costs everything, more than armfuls of flowers, more than bushels of hugs and kisses. It’s one thing to admit the truth of this standing radiantly on an altar, and quite another to admit it when standing behind a slammed bedroom door with tears streaming down your cheeks. Love is not for the faint of heart, at least not the kind that’s got any staying power.
So before we go on record and declare our love on a sliver of metal, we must consider that we have not reached the finish line. We have only taken a first step. Unless we are prepared to run a marathon, a box of chocolates might be a better idea. n
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www.livingnow.com.au
John Ptacek’s essays explore the unquestioned assumptions that limit our capacity for happiness. He is a writer based in Wisconsin, USA.
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