12 San Diego Reader January 5, 2017
Walter
Mencken’s
SD ON THE QT
t started as a standard instance of internet sham- ing: a Facebook user posted
a video of a man masturbating while standing just ten feet from the charming and inno- cent Charger Girls at December 18th’s game against the Oakland Raiders. The video zoomed in close on Elite Security’s Jack Handleman’s right hand, bur- ied in his pants pocket and vig- orously massaging his genitals, then panned over in the direction of his gaze to reveal a Chargers cheerleader in Christmas attire, performing a routine. Within hours, Elite issued a statement that they had fired Handleman, and the Chargers had issued an apology to “any fans who may have witnessed the incident.” That might have been an end
The Charger Girls, seeking to energize a flaccid fanbase during a dif- ficult 2016 season. “Our team is bending over backwards to try to turn things around,” says cheer captain Chelsea Cinnamon. “And as you can see, we’re doing our part by bending over forwards. It’s just awful to think that anyone might have such an inappropriate reaction to our displays of spirit and athleticism.”
to it, if a frustrated Handleman hadn’t shot off an angry letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell claiming that, despite appearances, he hadn’t acted alone. According to Handleman, all that jerking and tugging was actually a series of “Morse code communications to the Chargers sideline regard- ing the Raiders’ play calling.” Morse code is a system of com- munication, originally developed for telegraph, whereby letters and numbers are represented by groups of dots and dashes. For example, one dot followed by one dash stands for the letter A, while three dots followed by two dashes indicates the number 3. “Just look at the way I was yanking it,” wrote Handleman. “Totally unnatural and herky-jerky. It should be clear to anyone who has ever surrep- titiously masturbated that I had something else in mind.” Handleman’s letter included
a sample via screen shots culled from the by-now-viral video,
Almost factual news
Indiscreet Elite Meat Beat Cheat! I
What a jerk! Handleman works the pocket in the infamous video, which has come under renewed scrutiny following the security guard’s claims that he was actually sending coded messages to embattled Chargers coach Mike McCoy.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, queasily considering Handleman’s evidence
being their usual sexy selves.” Goodell found Handleman’s
“Why do you suppose the Charger Girls are always bending over the way they do?” asks Handleman. “It’s because when they do, they look like a football team lining up for a play. That was my sign that whatever came after was out of the opponent’s playbook. So here, you’ve got the girls lined up like a quarterback behind his offensive line. See how the girl on the right snaps her head up first? That lets me know the play is going to her side. Then you see how they’ve got the pom-poms held close together in front of their chests? That tells me they’re not looking to break it outside, but rather, they intend to punch it up the middle. The pelvic thrusts in the final picture tell me that they’re looking to pull the guard and knock out our defensive end. Plus, it makes sure that anybody watching isn’t thinking about having their plays stolen.”
a portion of which is included here. “Clearly, what I’m going for here is not self-pleasure, but the letters W and R: one short and two longs, followed by short- long-short. That’s to indicate that the Raiders are about to throw to the Wide Receiver — which, by the way, they did, for a gain of 20 yards and a first down. That’s the irony of it: maybe I would have been better off if I had just concentrated on my own damn
game plan. At least someone would have gotten the job done.” Naturally, Goodell was dis-
turbed by what he saw — and also by Handleman’s allegations. So he called a meeting with the fired phallus-flogger to inquire after his precise methodology. The big question: how did Handleman get his information from his post deep in the Chargers’ own end zone? And that’s when the sneaky snake- shaker really let fly, claiming that it
Raider ’bator? Handleman claims that his apparent solo session let the Chargers know exactly what the Raiders were about to do to them, “not that anything came of it.”
had been relayed to him through the complicated choreography of the Charger Girls’ dance routines. “Why else would I be staring at them?” he asked before launching into his explosive account. “Some- where around midseason, Coach McCoy realized that unless he did something drastic, this was going to be his last season as head coach. So many of his on-the-field assets had been compromised, whether
by injury or divine retribution for Spanos’s stadium shenanigans. So he looked to the area just off the field, and what did he see? A bunch of Charger employees who could roam around as they pleased, watching even as they were watched. Covert operatives hiding in plain sight, already equipped with shiny gold signal- ing devices. And best of all, they provided their own cover, just by
account compelling enough to open a preliminary investigation into the matter, but the Chargers’ McCoy was quick to dismiss the accusations leveled against him. “The idea that I am somehow gaining an unfair advantage over other teams this season is patently absurd. We just handed the Browns their first victory of the season! You’d be better off looking into whether or not I paid off [place-kicker Josh] Lambo to miss that 45-yard field goal as time expired, thus avoiding a tie and all but ensuring that I would be granted sweet release from the nightmare that is coaching the San Diego Chargers. Wait, did I say, ‘sweet release’? Don’t use that. Given the lurid subject matter here, it would be in bad taste. Wait, did I say, ‘bad taste’? Don’t use that.”
NFL Investigating Security Team Member’s Morse Member Messages to McCoy Chargers Cheerleaders Caught in Cheesecake Communiques?
Samuel Morse, disappointed at both the manner in which his eponymous code was employed and its alleged purpose
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