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CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 You are no shirker when it comes to work, but even you will feel overwhelmed by your workload this month. Oh, industrious Capricorn, you need to learn how to cut corners. Job done.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 Te focus is on affairs of the heart, but things may not turn out quite as you intend. But that should be no problem for you, oh clever Aquarius. Roll with the punches, go with the flow. A rigid reed breaks in the wind, while a flexible fern flourishes. When life gives you lemons, say “thanks for the lemons, life. I fucking love lemons, me. Nom nom nom. Lemons.” Alternatively, wait for life to give you chickpeas, garlic, and olive oil as well, and make hummus.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Families can be fun but they can also be infuriating – as is likely to be the case this month. Oh, oversensitive Pisces, rise above the familial nonsense and remember that you love them. Your granny may be a flatulent racist, and your uncle may be a borderline alcoholic pederast, but they’re YOUR flatulent racist and borderline alcoholic pederast, goddamnit!

attention that leaves you feeling like shit the day after, can do one. And for fuck sake, keep your bits off Snapchat!

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 Nothing will work out quite as you expect this month, but nothing will go too badly wrong either. Nothing else matters, because nothing compares to you, and we don’t need nothing but a good time. So, get your money for nothing and remember – it ain’t nothing but a thang, and you ain’t nothing but a hound dog. Oh, adaptable Cancer, nothing’s gonna stop us now.

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22 Tere will be times this month when you despair of ever getting through your workload and doubt that you have what it takes to succeed. Oh, observant Virgo, you need to learn how to cut corners. Job done..

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19 Keeping the peace is a priority this month – even if you believe others to be in the wrong. Don’t nod whilst reading this like you know what I mean. Yes you are - stop it. You, oh short tempered Aries, are notoriously bad at letting things lie. Even when it makes no difference to you, you can’t help but correct others, and if you don’t stop, you’re going to find life pretty lonely on your pedestal of truth.

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20 Your ruler Venus at its most extravagant this month puts you in a spending mood. Oh, materialistic Taurus. We all love a bit of ‘bling’, but try to remember that a pound saved now is a pound you can spend at a better time. Don’t get retail fever at the expense of a night out later in the month. You’ll feel like a twat sitting at home on your own, regardless of whose name is on your new pants.

GEMINI MAY 21 - JUN 20 You need an audience, if you are typical of your birth sign, and with Venus, planet of love and relationships, so active in Gemini just now, you will have no trouble attracting one this month. A word of caution however, oh, impulsive Gemini. Tink about the sort of attention you want. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of one night action if that’s what you want, but

LEO JUL 23 - AUG 22 You are good at working as a team – just so long as you are in charge, of course – and will be in your element this month. It is worth remembering though, oh domineering Leo, that just because you are in charge, it doesn’t mean that you know more than - or are better than - everyone else. A good leader uses all of the resources at their disposal - including people. Remember, you don’t buy a dog and bark yourself. Or a lion. Whatever.

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22 Solar and planetary activity in the most adventurous angle of your chart will bring a little excitement into your life – or, maybe, a lot. Who knows? Not me, that’s for sure. I’m more your personal-advice- giving kind of astrologer, and all this

charts and planets stuff gives me a headache. I’m not fucking Nostradamus you know, and I’m certainly not that Byron Cocks. Be nicer to people.

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21 Tis is not a good time to commit yourself to anything long- term on the financial front, no matter how tempting it is, or how cast-iron the guarantees appear. So, forget about putting your money into an ISA or a fixed-bond savings account, oh resourceful Scorpio, buy some magic beans, or blow it all on shit you don’t need. Everything will be fine.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21 With the Sun close to love-planet Venus in the relationships angle of your chart, you will be flavour of the month with pretty-well everyone. Be careful though, oh unemotional, independent Sagittarius; if you act all unemotional and independent when everyone else is showing an unnatural interest in the contents of your heart and mind, you may lose out on the love of a lifetime. Or at least some dirty grunting sex.


8/ September 2016/

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