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CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 Have you ever, while fast asleep, dreamed that you were awakening from a dream? Have you ever seen the film Inception? I’ve heard it’s really good. I went to see it, but fell asleep, and when I woke up someone had pissed up the front of my trousers. In a dream. But my trousers were wet. And then I woke up for reals and I’d shit my pants. #brexit

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 It may feel strange and confusing to be caught up by emotions. Well, of course it is. Tat’s what emotions are for; to shake your breadbox. You know what they call emotions you can control? Ideas. Oh, unemotional Aquarius, turn and chase the Dave.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 It's not easy to earn a crust of bread in this world. You have to use your loaf to rise to the foccasion. Baps why I follow the path of yeast resistance. Oh, lazy Pisces, unless you want to be stuck in a never-ending loop of weak bread puns, dough the right thing and baguette your act together. Butter!

For some people achievement is the only thing that seems to float their boat. Others find philanthropy rocks their world. For some, financial gain jiggles their parsnips, and there are even those who find that making up idioms double clicks their wig- wam. Oh, adaptable Cancer, whatever it is that fingerbangs your hopes and dreams, go for it.

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19 Popeye has a catch phrase: 'I yam what's I am and that's all what's I yam!' To be honest, as catchphrases go, it’s a bit negative. It’s a bit like something a cowboy mechanic would say whilst poking around in your Honda Civic: “Well, I’ll do what I can mate, but I’m only flesh and blood, and that big end looks fucking fucked.” I prefer He-Man – “I have the POWWWWWWER!” Oh, courageous Aries, ride the Battlecat of life.

LEO JUL 23 - AUG 22 Towards the end of the month, the Sun moves into your sign. Tat’ll really bring the house prices down. So, if I were you, I’d start a grassroots campaign banging on about having a sensible discussion about astronomy. Hopefully, that will get picked up by the media, and you’ll become l’enfant terrible of your own pissy little strip of fuck all. Oh, ambitious Leo. Try yoga.

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22 'Life is 10 per cent what happens to you and 90 per cent how you react to it.' So said Charles R. Swindoll; ‘Genius is 1 per cent inspiration, 99 per cent perspiration.’ So said Tomas Edison; ‘Stella Artois is only 5.2 per cent, but whenever I drink it, I fill my pant so full of diarrhoea that I only have the other pant to piss into.’ So said Tony the Screwdriver. So named because he loves a vodka and orange. Oh, analytical Virgo, try yoga.

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22 Fun. It's quite nice really. But it’s not super-bastard-mega-fun!!!, though, is it, oh vain Libra. To have that kind of fun, you need to let go of your inhibitions, particularly those surrounding your image. It’s only when you can stop caring about what you look like that you can have a soul-churningly outrageous amount of fun!!! Dance like nobody’s

watching, sing like nobody’s listening, shit in your hand and clap like a monkey!!!

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20 We rarely get what we want unless we ask for it. But it’s only when we’ve got what we want that we find out if we really want it. What if you don’t? What if you do? What if you do to start with, but then lose interest? A new series comes on Netflix, you get a hit on Tinder… Before you know it, you don’t want that old thing anymore. Oh, persistent Taurus, be careful what you wish for.

GEMINI MAY 21 - JUN 20 So you think you know where you are going? What about when you get there? Some people are content to walk a straight path through life, but not you. Your path has many junctions, and these in turn lead down the streets and avenues of life. Walk the streets, oh restless Gemini. You might find something right up your alley.

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 8/ August 2016/

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21 Barriers and boundaries have held you back for too long. Boulders and barricades have blocked your bassage. Borders and bridges have brevented your blight to better blaces. Oh, blobservant Scorpio, you may have noticed that there’s a lot of ‘b’s in this month’s brilliant BS. Tat’s b-cause it’s summer, and wasps don’t scan. Blame it on the wasp-oogie. See?

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21 Te phrase, 'I make my own luck' is regularly trotted out on the big screen. Apparently. Well, I had a Googling, and according to the IMDB, it’s only three times, actually: In the films Titanic, Te Dark Knight, and Gilda. And I don’t see you surviving a shipwreck, taking down a criminal mastermind, or fingerbanging Rita Hayworth. Oh, unemotional, independent Sagittarius, fuck your luck. Be less emotional and more dependent.


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