The child would have been eighteen this year. Hindsight can be cruel – if only I’d given it more thought at the time, but when you’re afraid…


in that moment of my life, but when I turned 38 and I was still childless, something happened to me – an overwhelming sense of desperation and urgency.


I did what I thought was right


I found myself irresponsibly acting out my unconscious fears; having unprotected sex with careless thoughts of ‘if it happens… whoops’; secretly willing it along, planning sex around ovulation time, phantom fooling myself into thinking I felt morning sickness when my period came a few days late… All kinds of madness.


I found myself struggling to be around children and mothers because it triggered all my failings as a woman.


I even went to the lengths of posting a couple of my toddler photos on social media with the hope that some friend- of-a-friend might see it and think, ‘I want to procreate with that woman because she’d produce the cutest offspring.’ Ridiculous! There was grief around


having the gift of a woman’s body, yet an inadequacy of never having used it to its fullest potential. Heavily weighted thoughts that somehow I’d failed my role as a woman, questioning the reason for my existence if I didn’t have children, all took me a couple of years of therapy to overcome.


The fact that it may never happen for me became an incredibly dark place to operate from. There was shame in telling people I was going to therapy about it all, because no one ever spoke about these issues openly.


Byron Bay’s home of Crystals & Gemstone Jewellery


Bookstore E xt en si v e


Esoteric SouLife Woolworths Plaza, 90 Jonson St, Byron Bay 02 6680 8090


Holistic Dental Care Teeth Whitening


Amalgam Free Crowns and Bridges Tooth Implants Aesthetic Dentistry


It’s a suppressed truth suffered in silence, which warrants a voice when this is a screaming reality for many of us. When I finally stopped comparing


myself to everyone else and surrendered to the idea that what is meant to be will be, everything suddenly became okay. Once I’d embraced that faith, I found


I could finally function from a place of acceptance as a ‘complete’ woman again – one whose life has taken an altered path – a path that is fulfilling and purposeful in other ways. Sure, it’s still not too late, but I’m not certain I have it in me any more.


I’m blessed to be a surrogate aunty to all of my friends’ children, whom I adore and would do anything for.


And then, when they’re having a tantrum, I can hug and kiss them at the door, wave goodbye and gladly walk away … And I’m really okay with that!


Understanding the Emotional-Sexual Self


A two-day seminar on how to transcend all limitations - based on the teachings of Adi Da Samraj.


June 6th and 7th Port Melbourne


TM


Ph: 1800 234 326 adidamevents.org


Need to Remove Your Amalgam Fillings Safely? Here at Melbourne Dental Wellbeing we have been safely replacing amalgam fillings with biocompatible materials for over a decade and are considered leaders in this area. We also offer a large range of holistic and general dental services.


Root Canal Assessment Children’s Dentistry


We are conveniently located at the Paris end of Collins Street, only meters away from Parliament Station To make an appointment please call on (03) 9663 7588 or visit our website www.mdwb.com.au


MAY 2015 37


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