LEOJul 23 - Aug 22 Politicians become a lot more sociable and amenable when elections are approaching. Ed Miliband calls “bingo” to gin-soaked and drooling proletariats, David Cameron polishes the diamond-encrusted yachts of the hyper-wealthy, and Nick Clegg. Te moral of the story? Don’t let that Leonine ambition turn you into an unprincipled bell-end. Lucky Day: May 27th
AQUARIUSJan 20 - Feb 18 Once, the Wind and the Sun challenged one another to a competition. “I bet I can denude more ladies than you,” said the Wind, and he blew hard at the ladies clothes, but the ladies just pulled them tighter. Ten the sun shone, and all the ladies got their smashing knockers out. “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar,” said the smiling Sun, looking at all the smashing knockers. Lucky day: May 1st
PISCESFeb 19 - Mar 20 Why are things as they are? Who is the master that makes the grass green? How many roads must a man walk down? Why do only fools fall in love? Why do birds suddenly appear? Who you gonna call? Oh, lazy Pisces, it can take a lifetime to answer these questions. Apart from the last one. Tat’s Ghostbusters. Lucky Day: May 23rd
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 19 Some people believe in the 'school of hard knocks'. Tese same people will hammer on about how they’ve been to the ‘University of Life.’ Well, let me tell you something about the UoL: Tey let any fucknut in, so a degree from there isn’t worth the paper it isn’t written on. Don’t be seduced by their folksy anti- intellectualism, oh impatient Aries. Read a book, and be proud of it. Lucky Day: May 5th
VIRGOAug 23 - Sep 22 Tere is nothing silly about being silly. Oh, sceptical Virgo, we all know Jesus wasn’t born in December, there’s no eggs and bunnies in the Bible, and gay marriage is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, but if you’re pedantic about it you’ll miss the party. If you don’t believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny and Ellen DeGeneres you’ll miss out on the carol-singing, chocolate-coated lesbians of life. Lucky Day: May 3rd
TAURUS
Apr 20 - May 20 For all our sophistication and intelligence, all we ever really want is a little love, warmth, support and amusement. Especially you, oh lazy Taurus. You’d be happy to completely forego all your higher brain functions provided you had Whiskas® Jelly Fisherman's Choice and a scented litter-tray. Beware, though. Tere’s more to life than licking your own genitals, you rough-tongued little
bugger.Lucky Day: May 24th
GEMINIMay 21 - Jun 22 If you've got trouble, what does it mean? Does it mean you do a poo? Oh impulsive Gemini, did you poo yourself? Remember to exhaust all your avenues before you evacuate through the back passage. And poo your pants. Lucky Day: May 13th
CANCERJun 21 - Jul 22 I see wonderful things on the horizon for you, oh loyal, caring Cancer. Change can sometimes be challenging, and people love you and will miss you, but grab the future by the nuts. You’ve earned that handful of nuts. See? You’re enjoying new things already. X. Lucky Day: May 16th
LIBRASep 23 - Oct 22 Tere are they tell us, two sides to every coin. Well, “they” are full of shit. What about the edges? Tere are THREE sides to every coin. Unless it’s a 50p. Or a 20p. Whatever. My point is, oh superficial Libra, that there’s more than two ways of looking at a situation. You might want to think about that the next time you examine your change. Lucky day: May 22nd
SCORPIOOct 23 - Nov 21 Tey say you should always 'quit while you are ahead'. Well, if everyone did that the nugget at the back would win, and screw that guy. You’ll never win with that attitude, Scorpio, so don’t quit until you’re completely shagged out. Lucky Day: May 21st
SAGITTARIUSNov 22 - Dec 21
What have you got in your ‘one-day’ folder? Whatever it is, I bet it’s stoic and individually wrapped. Oh, unemotional, independent Sagittarius, stop being so anti-emotive and individually sufficient. Be more dependent and emotional. If you don’t you’ll suffer. Lucky Day: May 26th
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan20 Passion is a fine thing if it is born of sincere enthusiasm for some noble objective. You know who else had sincere enthusiasm for some noble objective, don’t you? Tat’s right. Praise Him. Elvis. He fought in Vietnam, which was a proper war. He was all shook up, uh-huh-huh, but that’s PTSD for you. Be more like Elvis. Lucky Day: May 9th
BY DR E. MANN
10 / May 2014/
outlineonline.co.uk
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