The Sexual Floodgates Are Opening! So you and Mr. Wonderful are now at the stage where the chemistry is bubbling over and you can’t keep your hands off each other. You’ve gone out several times and the compatibil- ity you share seems to indicate a “green light.” Before racing off to the bedroom (or other creative carnal lovemaking spot), to avoid getting hurt and to make sure this is the right time to get naked ask yourself these questions:
• Why do we want to have sex now? •What are our motives? • Do I feel physically and emotionally safe? • Am I able to be vulnerable with my body and emotions? • Do I feel cared about? • Does my partner show genuine interest and curiosity about me in other areas of my life other than sex?
• Does he or she respond to me non-sexually? • Am I able to be myself freely? • Do I feel good about myself around them? • Do I like this person based on what I’ve learned so far? • Are we able to communicate openly with each other? • Have we each engaged in enough self-disclosure to feel comfortable?
• Have we been able to express affection to each other so far? • Does this person demonstrate dependability and loyalty? • Do I feel like a priority? Is there mutual respect and support?
Additional Tips Before Taking
The Plunge • Make sure you’ve talked about your sexual histories and
have had discussions about sexually transmitted diseases, safe sex and beliefs about monogamy vs. non-monogamy. While this may seem like it might take away some of the excitement, it doesn’t necessarily have to do that. Make the discussion “erotic foreplay;” exploring your sexual values, attitudes, preferences and fantasies together can heighten the intimacy while getting to know each other more intensely. Make it part of the “turn-on” and “build-up.” • It may be helpful to communicate to dating prospects some- thing to the effect; “I’m very attracted to you, but I don’t have sex until I really know someone.” A frank, up-front assertive statement such as this will certainly weed out those whose vi- sion potentially matches yours vs. those who do not. Many may immediately “abandon ship”—they weren’t meant to be—sav- ing you a lot of time and energy as you to continue your quest. Remember, it’s about quality, not quantity. • When you’re in the “waiting phase” and holding off from sex
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initially, continually create allure and intrigue with respectful flirting, keeping potential partners aware that you are still interested and find them attractive. Many have been condi- tioned to equate “no sex” with rejection and may be sensitive to “sexual fasting,” so offer many positive strokes to keep the spark going—without playing games. • An argument can be made that having sex right away can
help bring to light whether you’re sexually compatible, but keep in mind that it all comes down to your personal require- ments and what you deem most important. Also remember, sex can be that much hotter the longer a couple is together (practice makes perfect!) and that sex tends to be more pas- sionate and fulfilling when a foundation of emotional intimacy has already been developed. • Finally, no matter how much prep-work you’ve lain out as
a successful dater, there will be times when a mistake will be made, you will have a slip of poor judgment, or a person will bail for no apparent reason. Remember that you’re human and be kind to yourself. Take ownership of where you went wrong and get back on your dating plan. You have no control over how oth- ers behave. Be mindful too that sex is a loaded topic for many and unresolved intimacy issues are usually the biggest culprits when a seemingly good dating prospect bolts shortly after a sexual relationship begins. Protect your heart, be patient and never give up hope that your match is out there—the timing may just not be right.
Conclusion Sex means different things to different people. As an indi- vidual searching for a life partner, introducing sex into a dating relationship takes faith and trust. There is no right time neces- sarily to be intimate, but realizing that sex and relationships have completely different mindsets with different attitudes and behaviors, can better help you decide where and when your sexual first best fits into your vision for a long-term rela- tionship. Stay true to your values and remember that it’s not a numbers game—it’s about being successful with the right match!
For more information on this topic, check out another article written by The Gay Love Coach called Sex & the Single Gay Guy at the website below. To sign up for the FREEGay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples or to check out current coaching groups, programs and telecasts, please
visitthegaylovecoach.com.
For guest interviews, tips on gay dating, relationships and sexuality advice, you can also check out theGay Love Coach Radio Show
atwebtalkradio.net/ internet-talk-radio/the-gay-love-coach.
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