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Sex & Dating Sex is obviously a very important part of a relationship. In gay


dating, sex actually plays a vital developmental role in helping us to explore our sexuality during the coming-out process and


forming our identities; it’s a healthy rite-of-passage.


Sex can also play other roles: *Pure recreational fun *Tension release *The thrill of conquest *A rebellion against heterosexist norms *An uncontrollable addiction *A way to boost one’s self-esteem *A mask for emotional problems *A temporary cure for boredom or loneliness *Pure gratification *A vehicle for avoiding emotional intimacy…among others.


As the serious dater seeking a perfect match, the vision and


primary purpose of sex is as an expression of your feelings of adoration for one another, to cement a bond of closeness and connection as you begin to seal an identity as a couple with the intention of life-long commitment. Your job is to adequately screen dating partners to determine if their vision for sexuality and life aligns with yours. It’s when there’s a mismatch between these visions or differing motives that leads to relationships ending before they even get started, especially when sex en-


ters the picture early on.


Know Thyself Before you even begin your dating adventures, you must


have a solid vision in place of what and who you’re looking for. What are your personal requirements needs and wants for a life partner and a relationship? What does dating mean to you and what does it look like? What are your sexual values and attitudes? The answers to these questions become your guide for detecting the “right” vs. the “wrong” types of people you’re seeking. Sex is glamorized in our culture, so much so, that the pressure


to succumb to its powerful influences can be overwhelming. This is why you must have a plan in place before you date, so you can more readily “stick to your guns” and not be swayed by temptations or other forces. Knowing yourself and your values is key. Your beliefs about the role sex plays in your dating life will


shape your behavior as such. 34 RAGE monthlyRAGE monthly | | FEBRUARY 2014 FEBRUARY 2014


dr. brian rzepczynski “Knowing yourself and your values is key.


Your beliefs about therole sex plays in your dating life will shape your behavior as such.”


Meeting The Perfect Match…


Now What? It’s hard work creating your own vision, but then to assess another’s concept of compatibility is another feat and not eas- ily accomplished in one or two dates. Remember, it’s a process. That’s why introducing sex too early in a dating relationship can be sabotaging, because the relationship gets defined around sex before a solid foundation of trust and intimacy has been established. This isn’t to say that meaningful relationships can’t evolve from a sex-based affiliation, but in many cases, premature sex can send the wrong message or tone that then permeates the entire relationship—and it can be irreversible. Not to mention determining your new love’s sexual values and motives, as discussed earlier, may not be so easily detectable in the early stages of dating. And finally, once you have sex, objectivity tends to fly out the window for most and that can make screening your new lover’s true compatibility with your vision that much more blurred and obscure. Most gay dating experts agree that a wise approach for those seeking long-term relationships is to hold off on sex for at least 3-4 dates with a potential partner. This allows time for a friendship to develop, to screen each other to the best you can for “goodness-of-fit” and allows the relationship to be defined around common interests, goals and mature com- panionship—enduring qualities that highlight successful relationships. Sex alone isn’t sufficient enough to carry a lasting partnership. You’ll also be able to tell in many cases whether the one you are dating is genuinely interested, or solely after sexual gratification or other motives. Once you have sex, it changes the dynamics, so it’s important to pace the relationship.


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