Ber Street so to speak. Ferociously frogged someone into a full John Wayne waddle… ok, so I’m
jealous.Lucky Day: July 2nd
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 Well by now it’s clear that Andy Murray hasn’t won Wimbledon again, yeah he blubbed with a bit more conviction than last year but that’s not gonna win any awards. You take it upon yourself to encourage the government to plough millions into improving our chances of winning the meaningless tournament so that the nation can feel warm and fuzzy for all of two
minutes.Lucky Day: July 8th
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 Unlucky kiddo, your new occupation makes you want to shit through your eyeballs and you compensate by spending the rest of your time typing away on your smartphone in ‘la la’ land under various pseudonyms. As a result your social skills have abandoned you and you will be left with no real friends. For gritty_lips69’s sake use your words! Tw@.Lucky day: July 24th
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 Welcome Croatia to the EU! Congratulations on finally being inducted into a financial shitstorm; I’m sure it won’t be long before you’re sponging off others and filming yourself having sex in nightvision. You’re much like the geographical equivalent of Paris Hilton… with better contours. Lucky Day: July 1st
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 You’ve just about gathered yourself after hearing of Matt Smith’s exit from Doctor Who but prepare for odd-gasm this month as the announcement of the new time-travelling humanoid is revealed to be none other than Brian ‘Fucking’ Blessed. After practically exploding in squid- faced joy you make the wise choice of purchasing some ear defenders; “I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU DALEK BASTARDS… HAWKMEN… DIIIIIVE!!” Lucky Day: July 17th
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21
Frequenting public toilets is never a pleasant task, particularly on a sweaty night out at Lola Lo, following a stonking vindaloo, and being faced with a distinct lack of cubicles. Last resort is the sink and as your curried contents are
expelled, the toilet attendant looks on in horror knowing that there is bugger all in his basket of squirty-smell-things
that’s gonna mask that pong. Now where was the bog roll?
Lucky Day: July 28th
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 You’ve been ‘busy’ this month, shall we say?
Taken more of a pounding than Audley Harrison if you
like. Let more in at the back than the Tahitian football team if you catch my drift. Had more intracourse than the ladies of
10 / July 2013/
outlineonline.co.uk
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 Much like Silvio Berlusconi, your ‘bunga bunga’ parties are catching up with you. Te sexy soirées are requiring far too much lubricant and AAA batteries to be cost effective so you decide some austerity measures are needed. Subbing-in some ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter’ and grabbing someone with Parkinsons to man the sex aids means you’ll be back in business in no time!Lucky Day: July 11th
LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 Giving your garden furniture a lick of paint in the confines of your stuffy shed, the fumes cause you to go a little doolally and you decide what the world really needs is another Superman reboot… but with more showtunes …and spanx. And for the lead? David Hasslehoff of course. Lucky day: July 22nd
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 Never mind all these ‘10 stone testicles’, ‘half-man half-tree’, ‘my goldfish ate my face’ sob stories - your five pound fingernail shits all
over these ailments. Te debilitating effects said nail has inflicted on you mainly involve not being able to pick your nose, and that was one ofyour favouritehobbies. Has the Lord no mercy?Lucky Day: July 20th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Te dog days of summer have kicked in and you’re still recovering from Glastonbury and the sight of Mick Jagger’s hips finally giving out. Scraping the grime from your undercarriage takes a fair amount of time and, as someone who doesn’t like to see things go to waste, you decide to use the gunk as cooking fat. Honestly, the best roast potatoes in, like, ever. Lucky Day: July 19th
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 Of course it’s Independence Day for the yankee doodles but as soon as someone seeks independence from the US they’re all up in arms just because they leaked some top secret info. Jesus, Russell Grant and Mystic Meg have been getting away with that for years! I think your own leakage should be more of a concern for you… Lucky Day: July 4th
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 Along with the usual - smoking, public transport, molesting toasters - you discover that attempting to apply for student finance reduces your life expectancy by at least five years. Trying to negotiate the labyrinthine web of questions about how racist you are on a scale of 1 to Bernard Manning and whether the tooth fairy contributed to your financial earnings in the last year - it’d be easier to say you’ve got six kids, a wobbly face and a gammy shin and see how many yachts you can buy with the benefits they throw at
you.Lucky Day: July 30th
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