Jen Fitton answers reader’s problems Dear Jen
Every year I grumble about Christmas and every year I end up catering for loads of relatives and being the life and soul of the party when actually I’m totally fed up and gritting my teeth. It start- ed when all the kids were small and I had the biggest house and liked cooking – so everybody came round to me and we all had a great time with everybody mucking in. Now all the kids are grown up and I’m not getting any younger, but every occasion seems to be about me organising a big family party and everybody thinking it just happens. I need to get this sorted out because we’ve more celebrations com- ing up this year - and it’s taken for granted that I’ll cater - and I can’t say no.
Dear Frazzled Frazzled.
I’m sure that many Review readers will identify with your exasperation; it’s too easy to fall into a role within a family and not even realise what’s happening until we suddenly feel trapped and angry. The positive side of your situation is that you’re
important to the family and admired for organising everything; the down side is that you’re beginning to feel used and taken for granted. Your dilemma is that you may have to let go of the positives in order to deal with the negatives, so I’m sure that you’re right to think about this problem carefully, especially as other occasions are looming. I’m wonder- ing if there is other stuff going on be- neath your resentment? It could be useful to look at how you feel about family relationships during the rest of the year. The Christmas season often brings up old grievances and can also highlight small tensions which slide under the radar, so it’s worth having a hard look at how you feel generally. Perhaps there are other niggles that you push to the back of your mind?
How do you see yourself within the family? Do you feel important to people; or do you feel exploited - that they only want you when you’re useful? If you have a problem and need their help, are they there for you; or do you feel that your relation- ships are very one-sided? At family events, could you ask for help with the responsibility – and the cost? Or do you feel that you’re the only one capable of organising things? These are important questions to ponder as they will help you to un-
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derstand the family dynamics and see what you need to change. It’s also worth remembering that you can’t change other people, but you can change the way that you inter- act with them. Something is getting in the way of your being assertive, so this could be well worth looking at. What would happen if you ever said “No”?
If you suddenly announce that you’re no longer going to follow the family tradition and cater for eve- ryone, people might react in ways that make you feel uncomfortable; some will be hurt and huffy, but some could welcome a change. Ei- ther way, you may have a sense of loss, so I wonder if you’d feel better changing things slowly rather than just giving up altogether. Your anger will help you to resolve this situation, but it might be better to wait until you’ve mulled it over and perhaps taken some trusted friend into your you really want before you make a family is important on many levels.
What ever you decide, All the best Jen
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