BROUGHT TO YOU BY Mystic Myk
‘Is that Orion’s belt or is he just pleased to see me?’
LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 What’cha doin’? Crack? Smack? Meth?! When you’ve finished chasing the dragon, pursuing the
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 Being a proud Scotsman it comes as a bit of a shock when a doctor suggests it may be “time for the snip”. Feeling that adding to your 45-strong clan is important to you, you visit the wank bank to make some ‘deposits’ to put on ice – oh they can take your balls, but they can never take away your SEMEN! Lucky day: October 24th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Started up at the UEA? Well done for surviving fresher’s week, although most credit goes to those that heeded the advice of ‘Horace the Horny Horse’ and triple-bagged before they shagged. Your decision to go bareback with Queen Chylerpes, while being an impressive ‘vadge of honour’, backfires and leads to some unnerving leakage. Lucky day: October 1st
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 You’ve been missing a lot of work thanks to constant headaches, intermittent gonorrhea and severe BO. Tis month you regret knocking back a bottle of Calpol for each of these ailments as you discover the delicious doses have reduced your liver and kidneys to that akin to a 58-year old alcoholic... with liver and kidney issues. It does taste nice
though.Lucky day: October 2nd
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 A proposed family roast may concern you at first, however, I implore you, persist as the in-laws are batshit crazy, and will provide ample entertainment such as; scrunge (google it) extraction during dinner, flatulent accompaniment to dessert and constantly questioning why you’ve decided to become “one of them there
10 /October 2012/
outlineonline.co.uk
veg-amatarians” after you decline one of their handmade meat-cakes. Lucky day: October 14th
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 Ooh, things are looking up this month as the new iPhone 5’s recent launch, has had you sex-weeing everywhere, you’ve started up Facebook groups praising its ability to stay on for longer than 3 minutes, masturbated furiously over its 4-inch screen and nasally discussed with Siri how pleased you are that you now have someone other than yourself to talk
to.Lucky day: October 25th
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 Hello Captain Sensible! Always one to be over-cautious, you decide to ease up through October and take the steering wheel lock off your S-Reg Fiat Seicento – who the hell’s gonna steal that piece of sh… well I’ll be damned! Tose school kids may have fucked up their GCSEs but they sure can hotwire a car!Lucky day: October 21st
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 After listening to the audiobook version of ‘50 Shades of Shit” your partner makes some controversial suggestions to spice up your bed- based endeavours. Now while you were quite receptive to being treated like a Border Collie with a bad hip, the latest proposal may strain your relationship too far – you would do anything for love, but you won’t do
scat.Lucky day: October 19th
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 Given your WKD-induced heavy- duty heaving at Mercy this month you are approached by a US
porpoise or whatever it is you cool kids do, can you not go stumbling round like a zombie with needles hanging out your arms in pursuit of twilight snacks. Wait until October 31st and you can legally beg neighbours to sate your munchies. Trick or trip motherfucker?!Lucky day: October 31st
government agency that want to conduct tests to help with their new weaponised vomit-gun the ‘Chunderbuss’. A bout of travel sickness during the flight over is catastrophic, forcing the plane to crash land, but worse is to come when your parents find out you drink WKD. Lucky day: October 4th
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 “Love, love will tear us apart…again. Love, love will tear us apart…again.” I fucking hate that song but it sums up your month perfectly… enjoy!! Lucky day: October 20th
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 With the Tesco meal deal now £3 you feel the full force of the recession. Te trauma is set to continue this month as you spend hours scrambling for shrapnel to feed the self-service machine so you don’t break a tenner. Meanwhile, as your cheese twist sits in the bagging area, the machine shouts like a demanding lover – “TAKE IT OUT, PUT IT IN!”… Ejaculating prematurely gets an equally poor reception. Lucky day: October 11th
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 Look out for bald west-country comedians this month. Just like staying away from strangers with Starburst if anyone requests that you board their “rofl-copter” and prepare for the “lol-ocaust”, you punch them right in the eyeball and say “NO Andy Parsons, just because you sound like your nasal cavities have collapsed does not mean I will tolerate your crap”! Lucky day: October 27th
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