BROUGHT TO YOU BY Mystic Myk
‘Is that Orion’s belt or is he just pleased to see me?’
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 So you’re a Norwegian with an obsession for photography? Look, I know you lot are fiery fuckers but if you turn your talents to snapping bunnies dressed as ninjas I think the world will be a better place. Maybe a special ops ferret? Donkey on a treadmill? Burning Crows? Lucky day: July 15th
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 Ever sympathetic to your interests, your bloke has re-mortgaged your house in order to get two tickets to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter 3D at the local cinema. Even if you get really bored don’t dabble in the hot toffee popcorn, the genius sitting next to you decided to fashion a hole in the bucket and get kinky with the kernels. Fear not a few court cases mean you won’t have to endure another action film again. Lucky day: July 6th
LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 Due to some wobbly search history your computer now has AIDS and is firing off dubious e-mails to your mailing list of twenty-five friends.Te e-mails, advertising dildos of all shapes and sizes, don’t really come as a shock, but since when have you had twenty-five friends? Lucky day: July 30th
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 While people have always appreciated your aesthetic appeal they have also questioned your ‘inner beauty’. After looking the phrase up, you set about blue rinsing your brain and preening your pancreas. Try bleaching your stomach… Lucky day: July 23rd
10 /July 2012/
outlineonline.co.uk
A near-death experience involving a toothbrush leads to a new lease of life, which you decide to commemorate with a ‘Carpe Diem’ tattoo. Unfortunately the rookie tattooist’s work reads more like ‘Celine Dion’ and, when returning to see if it can be covered up, the aggrieved tattooist ushers you out of the door adamant that “my art will go on…” Lucky day: July 1st
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Man v Food is your favourite TV show by a long distance and, after Mr Richman announced his retirement earlier this year, you decide to take up his mantle, attempting the ‘Chili Covered Kebab Challenge’. However, some undercooked mystery meat causes your guts to go nuts and no TV network is going to commission Man v Loo…ok mmmaybe 5*. Lucky day: July 28th
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 A disagreement with some Swedes over some turnips escalates wildly this month and it is agreed that the issue should be resolved Wild West style; with spud guns. DON’T DO IT! Te English are never good in a shoot out.
Click.Lucky day: July 17th
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 With your nosey neighbours constantly giving you stick about still having your ‘V’ plates, Wimbledon provides your answer. Shove your TV up against the wall and blast out some women’s singles matches, the amount of grunting will make you sound like a stud and you can get back to pretending you’re an elf online. Lucky day: July 20th
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 Te Olympics start… yay, hours and hours of non-stop sport that you do not give a shit about - however, with Danny Boyle directing the opening ceremony, you’ve decided to trek down to Laandon to see your hero’s work. When your dream of a Rage- infected baby crawling the walls fails to materialize you decide to call…
TROGDOOOOR!! But he is otherwise engaged burninating the countryside. Lucky day: July 29th
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 Hmm whiffy… Aries, you spend this month sorting out your ‘premature perspiration’ issues out; you generally only need to look at someone walking briskly before your underarms start gushing. A couple of strategically placed sanitary towels later and the arseburgeriness of your pits is a thing of the past. Lucky day: July 21st
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Oh Taurus, your bullish demeanour takes a blow this month as you fall behind with your workload. Firing out excuses filled with more holes than Dean Gaffney’s face isn’t helping your cause. It’s time to pull your finger out…no, seriously, how are you supposed to type like that?! Lucky day: July 13th
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 Independence Day! Yeah baby on July 5th it is 50 years since Algeria gained independence from France and unlike those Yank bastards they don’t like to go on about it. In fact you’ve decided you’ve had enough and aim to take back America. Unfortunately funds run out pretty quickly as JSA doesn’t regard ‘waging war’ as a viable career choice. Lucky day: July 5th
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