belly, then mutters “Gross!” She orders me to fix the alarm, and calls me something I’ve never heard before, but assume is intended to be offensive.
And once again, I’m in front of the control panel, punching in numbers. The neighbours won’t come round at this early hour. Instead, they fling open their windows, question my parentage and manhood, and threaten to call the police.
“Why don’t you call the police,” I yell back: “I’m supposed to be being robbed here!” It occurs to me that I am probably alerting every robber, rapist and murderer in the area to the fact that I can afford an alarm system, and am therefore not a man of penury.
Breakfast the next morning is execution time. My love is dark-eyed and ratty. We’re long enough married for me to recognise the way she blows at the steam from her tea; it says, it says, “Don’t you dare!” My children insist they are far too tired to go to school, although nobody can see any reason why I should not go to work. You can only goad a quiet man so far: “That’s enough!”
A chord of astonished gasps resonates around the table. Oh, that was excellent! I am
actually commanding their attention! I permit myself a quick pat on the back. Just occasionally, I can be really good! Now to see if I can convincingly maintain my fit of manly determination: “I’m getting rid of that damned alarm!”
My son returns his concern to his bowl of Coco Frosty Pops; my teenage daughter to her magazine detailing the sex lives of the rich and famous. I suppose my confidence was a little unrealistic. My wife resumes blowing on her tea. “I hope so,” she snarls, “if only for a little peace.”
Now, we are again a united, contented family. Except my teenage daughter, of course. We may be robbed. We may be raped. We may never wake up, having been slaughtered in our beds. But oh, the blessed peace of going to sleep knowing we no longer have an alarm to worry us.
Unless, of course, the neighbours get one. An
d wPu hk p e re -al Saesear 26
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32