“Let me take you home, you look like you need a rest, some food, and a nice
long hot soak,” she gently whispered. Well I couldn’t contain myself – that was perfect – exactly what I needed. I could
sleep for twenty four hours, and then I would be fresh and back to myself, and I could get to know Leanne a lot more. I thought I could find out what makes her tick, what her dreams are, her ambitions, her passions. However I was older than her and decided that I should be presenting myself in a more mature manner. I should be able to look after myself. If I couldn’t look after number one, how could I possibly look after her, so delicate and fragile? I could feel my heart racing and I told her that I truly appreciated the offer, but it would be best if I was to book into a hotel room for the rest of the week. I would clean myself up there and then meet at hers at six and then take her for dinner. She looked disappointed, but agreed and smiled; I watched her lips turn
upwards. I wanted to kiss them right there, but knew that was impossible. Leanne left the computer room as she had research to do. I watched her swathe out through the electronic door; she had a youthful confidence about her. My confidence was sagging, like my skin on the outside. I pondered for a short while, looking at the nonsense on the screen. The warm
hum of the computer sent me into a trance, and I started thinking how the search had not panned out how I expected. I had found someone, but she didn’t have the same eyebrows.
It was getting close to five and my mind was beginning to wander. I needed fuel - an empty bag doesn’t stand - but I wanted to look my best for Leanne, so I decided that it would be best not to eat until I took her for dinner. Then I panicked and thought that she would find my body repulsive. I had hoped that we would sleep together tonight, now I was unsure that I would meet her at all. Food would go straight to my belly, legs, face, so I decided that I would leave a message at the university reception saying that I had a lead in Edinburgh and had to go but I would leave my email address and phone number and she could contact me and then I could get her number. Yes, yes, that’s what I would do. But then I thought that she might bump into me in Cardiff, and I didn’t want to go back to London because I knew that I would just end up back in work, and I couldn’t deal with mopping faeces from incontinent old men and women, and dishing out drugs three times a day. No, I wasn’t ready to tell other people that their parent had died. I just couldn’t. So there was only one option and I headed for the station and bought a ticket to
Edinburgh. 9
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