BROUGHT TO YOU BY Mystic Myk
‘Is that Orion’s belt or is he just pleased to see me?’
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Having recently changed your name to Tinkerbell and covering your Cinquecento with vinyl stickers
professing that the temperamental tank is “powered by fairy dust”, you seem a few sherbets short of a Dib Dab. Matters get worse this month when you manage to go all Brian Harvey and run yourself over with the magical machine - believe me no amount of clapping is gonna help you out! Lucky day: May 21st
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 Being on first name terms with your GP is a sign that it’s about time you realised A&E doesn’t stand for ‘Anything & Everything’. However, after discovering you have a seriously sweaty snuffaluffagus you may actually have a reason to pester your physician… the lucky bugger. Lucky day: May 30th
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23
Whoop! It’s National Smile Month and there is extra reason for your miserable mug to be cheery… it’s Eurovision! Nevermind the shite songs about world peace and assortment of mono-browed but well-endowed Austrian ladies, Jedward are the Irish entry and it gets them out of the country for a few days. Huzzah! Lucky day: May 26th
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 Keeping tabs on your errant sperm is advisable but you find Femidoms, while 95% effective, to be 100% repulsive. Indeed you are firmly of the belief that the Catholics do it best when it comes to contraception. However just like Barack Obama you find pulling out too late is spawning some unwanted “issues”. Lucky day: May 11th
VIRGOAug 24 - Sep 23 Phew you have a busy month ahead, what with changing job, moving house and altering your identity. I remember when witness protection was based around fuzzy felt and a crap pair of sunglasses. Lucky day: May 27th
LIBRA Sep 24 - Oct 23 With a stint at Spearmint Rhino providing the basis of your CV, the
10 /May 2012/
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Maypole provides the perfect opportunity for you to show off your moves. Although the sight of you chucking your junk around the celebratory shaft is a bit too much for some, support comes from the old boys on the vintage tractor parade, who nod, puff at a pipe and mumble “Ah’ll ‘ave a go!”…obviously they mean at the pole dancing; no one wants to have a go on you. Lucky day: May 1st
SCORPIOOct 24 - Nov 22 Dappy was so disgusted with the rising fuel prices last month that he attacked the nearest people to a petrol station; you’ve decided to protest at NHS waiting times in a similarly illogical way and attack someone with a disabled parking badge. Your poor Nan never saw it
coming.Lucky day: May 4th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 A lack of sleep has left your eyes twitching more than a legless lemur (eh?) but after a love-starved co- worker mistakes your blepharospasms for a “yeah-I’ll-let- you-do-funky-stuff-with-my-face” wink you may have to get yourself some mace. I’m sure your colleague is harmless but pepper-spraying people is entertaining nonetheless. Lucky day: May 29th
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 Oh no you di-int, yes, yes you did. You’re a bad human being and dropping Hiroshima-sized arse- bombs and blaming it on your unsuspecting kitten is not cool. Beware as one of your more brutal
offerings catches the mistreated moggie trapped under the duvet and dutch-ovens the only companion you have to death. Lucky day: May 14th
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 Inspired by a limbless man’s intention to swim round the world (unfortunately his name is not Bob, I checked) you’ve launched yourself as a singer without the ability to sing. It’s ok Ashlee Simpson / Paris Hilton / Katie Price (delete as applicable) made a good go of it. WAHEY! Lucky day: May 31st
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 With someone held in such high esteem as Alicia Duvall (the same person that named her daughter Papaya) declaring that she had an affair with Simon Cowell… barf… it’s time to jump on the bandwagon and milk that cash cow for all its delicious dairy-ish dollar. Start throwing claims around that you motor-boated his matted moobs and sell your story to any rag that’ll listen; it won’t be long before Celebrity Big Brother come calling for you.
Cha-ching.Lucky day: May 16th
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 It’s been a long time in the making but this month sees the inauguration of your ‘Celebrity Zoo’. While it hopes the animals’ traits remain close to their human counterparts, complaints start flooding in when Ashley Cole starts waving his winkie at the punters and it requires constant electrically motivated prodding to get Whitney Houston moving. Lucky day: May 13th
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