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THE WEIRS TIMES & THE COCHECO TIMES, Thursday, March 15, 2012 A brendan@weirs.com


inNEW HAMP SHI R E SMART GUY


FOOL * Live Free *A FLATLANDER’S OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE or Die.


by Brendan Smith Weirs Times Editor


Recently I bought my-


self a smartphone. I de- cided to finally get rid of my stupidphone. I’ve been reading about


smartphones for a long time and I have also been watching people use them. I’ve read that smart-


phones have more tech- nology in them then the Apol lo spacecraft did when it went to the moon in 1969. In fact, the tech- nology of today’s smart- phones is so superior that people can actually play Scrabble, on their phone, with another person who is three-thousand miles away. Something the as- tronauts could only have dreamed of. The salesperson told


me how up-to-date this phone is, which, in the smartphone era, means it will be outdated in about three weeks. When I first got my


smartphone, it took me a few hours to figure out the basics. While I was trying to navigate my way around it, I got a phone call. I panicked. I couldn’t figure out how to answer it. (You are supposed to flick your finger down on the screen.) So, I lost that first phone call. It took me another hour to figure out how to retrieve the voice message that was left which informed me that I needed to be somewhere in fifteen min- utes but I had forgotten all about it because I was too busy trying to figure out how to use my new smartphone.


I felt kind of dumb. Of course, these things


should not be cal led smartphones, they should be called “handheld com- puters which you can use to make a phone call once


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in a blue moon.” It’s actually no fun at all


to use a smartphone to make a phone call. There are too many other cool ways to communicate with others with the thing without actually dialing a number (though I’m sure the phrase “dialing” is an ancient term that will date me with anyone un- der thirty). There is texting, which


is huge nowadays. Erec- tile Dysfunction will soon be taking a back seat on TV advertising to all the new medicines which will be needed to control the epidemic of “carpal tunnel syndrome” due to excessive texting. With a smartphone, you


don’t necessarily have to use your fingers to text. You can speak the words into a microphone and it will display what you said before you send the text message. Though, you should carefully read your message before sending it. For instance, I recently voice texted my


girlfriend, “I’ll be home at eight, I am working late.” My text read: “I’ll be home at eight, I have a perky date.” So, as you can see, it


may be smart, but it ain’t perfect. I am not going to bore


you by telling you all the things a smartphone can do because 1) most of you already know and 2) I’ve had the thing for two weeks and I still have no idea. I must admit, trying to


figure it all out is time consuming. My phone has this 4G


thing which means it works very fast, I think. There isn’t 4G in this part of New Hampshire yet but when it comes, I’ll be ready for it. I’ll be able to watch YouTube videos on my phone faster than the average Joe. I can’t wait. There’s also a lot of apps


on a smartphone. Apps are things that can make your phone do more stuff if you want to. I haven’t


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gotten to any of these yet but I may as soon as I have become proficient in making and answering actual phone calls. Right now, I guess


I’m pretty cool with my smartphone. People who actually care about these things and haven’t up- dated their phones re- cently, are in awe of my latest gadget. Soon, they will get their new smart- phone and I will be left in the dust as mine will go the way of the dinosaur. I’m figuring this will hap- pen by the time you read this. Still, it’s great to be


alive in these days of technology such as this. To think that I can hold in my hand a computer that outdoes the space- craft in the Apollo pro- gram that sent men hun-


5


dreds of thousands of miles into space, landed them on the moon and then brought them safely home again, never ceases to amaze me. Did I tel l you I can


play golf on my phone as well?


Brendan Smith wel-


comes your comments at brendan@weirs.com


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