JANUARY2012


The Crucible Political Junkie


by Joe Sherrier In Arthur Miller’s play, The


Crucible, the losers of a highly publicized trial are burned at the stake, the permanent re- sult of a campaign of rumors, innuendo, and outright lies. It pits one person’s word against another, and a jury of peers must determine who is tell- ing the truth. This month, the quadrennial primary crucible in New Hampshire will result in the Presidential aspirations of several candidates being incin- erated at the ballot box. There will be spectacular flames and intense heat, and the stench will drift across the entire na- tion. I don’t know who will win, but I know a crowd will gather to watch. In the weeks after, by sift-


ing through the ash heap of the first-in-the-nation primary we can find clues as to the events that provided sufficient ac- celerant for the funeral pyres. Often in the past the candi- dates themselves provided the match. In 1972, it was Edmund Muskie’s single tear that legend says combusted his candidacy. In 1988, it was Bob Dole whose brittle character was exposed in his angry outburst, “Stop ly- ing about my record!” Al Gore reportedly took credit for in- venting the Internet in New Hampshire, and almost allowed Bill Bradley a way forward. As I write this today, the New


England electoral crucible is still a week away. By the time you read this, the political post- mortem will be in full swing, and pundits will be warming their hands over the fires. At the risk of being spectacularly wrong, I would like to offer for the historical record what could have occurred in the New Hampshire primary 2012. My predictions are based on avail- able polling and a vivid imagi- nation (the twin ‘smack’ of the Political Junkie). Rick Perry, in a desperation move, scheduled a rally on the


day before the primary to


pray for a blizzard on Election Day, thereby decreasing turn- out and increasing his long- shot odds of victory. “They tell me that I don’t have a snow- ball’s chance in Hell of winning, so we thought we’d pray for snowballs,” Perry was quoted as drawling. Unfortunately for the Texas governor, the only flakes in New Hampshire on Election Day were on the ballot. Perry finished last, behind write-in votes for Sarah Palin, Bobby Jindal, and Alex Rodriguez. Ron Paul did not compete in


New Hampshire after he learned that the state motto was “Live Free or Die.” He thought cam- paigning there might kill him. A week before the vote, Rick Santorum was drafted as an infantryman in the War on Christmas, and is currently be- ing held as a prisoner of that war. He received no votes in the primary, but concerned voters signaled their support by mail- ing him pre-paid calling cards, used books, and leftover Hal- loween candy. Jon Huntsman, in a fit of


frustration, blurted out at a campaign stop that he “never even wears underwear,” and torpedoed what little chance he


still had to win. Huntsman with- drew before the polls opened. Michele Bachmann was


gaffe-free and surging in the tracking polls when a series of mental ‘lapses’ pushed her back into obscurity. First, she kept referring to New Hampshire as the “Grand State” during ap- pearances instead of the Granite State. In a final indignity, two days before the primary, she compared herself to Harry Tru- man who once won a big elec- tion against the conventional wisdom. She said she would be vindicated just as Truman was when he held up the headline, “Dewey Wins.” She should have stopped there, because she went on to add, “Had Ameri- cans not gone to the polls that day and listened to the pundits, we might have had Scrooge Mc- Duck’s young nephew as Presi- dent and we would never have known that great leadership slogan that Truman made fa- mous, “The Duck Stops Here.” Mitt Romney froze in place


for 10 minutes during an out- door rally in Nashua. Many be- lieved that a driving sleet that day was to blame for his pa- ralysis, but major media outlets reported that one voter near the stage heard the candidate


Wishing All a Warm and Wonderful New Years!


mouth ever so softly, “Oil can” before a staffer quickly applied the life-saving petroleum. Newt began taunting the mechanical Mitt with ads recorded to the tune of If I Only Had a Heart, and Romney couldn’t squeak out the victory. Newt Gingrich’s actual po-


litical history and his written positions on the issues were handed out to voters one week in advance of the vote. New Hampshire voters thought it was a prank engineered by Comedy Central, and dismissed the truth about his past and his real plans for America. He won the state by 2 points over Undecided, but the victory was voided when it was revealed that his name on the ballot as submitted by his campaign read


“Newt Grinch” instead of Newt Gingrich. The former Speaker blamed a radical Islamist secu- larist agenda, and vowed to stay positive in the face of this “or- ganized, well-funded system- atic plot against him and the very foundations of liberty, the scope of which is unparalleled in the history of mankind.” The final allocation of delegates is still pending. One thing is for certain.


There will be (was) a spark that ignited a massive flameout for most candidates, and an ac- quittal by the voters of another candidate. Even in Miller’s play, someone survived. Come No- vember, the story of the GOP campaign could parallel anoth- er Arthur Miller classic: Death of a Salesman.


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