Warmblood By Scot Tolman I
’ve been struggling with a concept for this month’s column. It’s not as easy as it looks to entertain some,
offend others, and, simultaneously, attempt to make a germane point, all in the space of 700 words or fewer. Fortunately, a Mr. Mike Matson, whom I do not know—but to whom I owe a debt of gratitude, began a thread on the Chronicle Forums entitled, “Does American Dressage Have an Obesity/Fitness Problem?” Perfect! Fat people on horses! What better topic for a column? The possibilities for humor abound; I’m sure to offend someone; this is an issue with which I have years of personal experience; and, better still, I get to be publicly supportive of Michelle Obama. Let me remind you at the outset of this piece that the Shooting Star breeding program, from its inception, has followed the mantra, “Scot will breed no horses with butts smaller than his.” These words have been in print in this very magazine. I’ve also publicly stated that if Martians were to farm the Earth and use humans as livestock, I’d be in the breeding population of the “for- meat” stock. So, no one has more of a right to take offense at or find humor in this topic. Fat people are funny, and, more to the point, probably do not belong coming down the center-line in a shadbelly on a light-boned, elegant, modern Warmblood. This being said, I think we’re missing some golden opportunities here, and even though I’ve written about this topic before, just as our waistlines tend to expand with time, the subcutaneous possibilities for both thought and humor, too, have enlarged. For crucially practical starters, what happens if fat
people stop buying horses? It’s not as if only the high fructose corn syrup and Kentucky Fried Chicken futures would be at risk of taking a hit if we somehow eliminate or under-estimate the purchasing power of chubby fingers with chubby checkbooks and chubby disposable incomes. In the Warmblood market, the current economic climate has not exactly produced a glut of buyers bidding up the prices of our horses. Numbers posted by the National Center for Health Statistics state that more than 34 percent of Americans are obese. Can we really afford to lose a third of our market? Might we, instead, and I use the term with
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strict attention to diction, “cater” to this population? Dressage show organizers are also over-looking
a prime opportunity. These people think the Musical Freestyle is going to save dressage and fill the stands. Perhaps these dressage enthusiasts have not considered the untapped income potential of fat people on horses. Don’t they know how popular Sumo is in Japan? Tell me there’s not a part of you that would not have to peek through your fingers to see the clash of two large men in some diaper contraption headed for a collision at X. What about the World Wrestling Federation? We replace the classic white
dressage ring with a rubberized, eight-foot wrestling fence, dress our top-heavy (or, if this becomes as popular as I think it will, top
“and” heavy) riders in spandex, glitter, and a cape, and cheer as they leap from horseback onto each other with fake kidney
punches and badly-acted kicks to the groin. We could even elicit the support of our judges as referees—they sail out of their boxes into the fray, scribes-in-tow, blowing their whistles madly. Finally, by all means, let’s not forget reality TV. People love a train wreck. Imagine the sick individuals who would actually pay to watch fat people compete to be first to get on a horse without a mounting block. Could we call it, “American Idle?” In the span of last night at 9 p.m. to 6 a.m. this morning,
Mr. Matson’s Chronicle thread has generated a number of thoughtful and even touching responses. Obviously, obesity and poor fitness are an American epidemic, not an issue specific to dressage. Although Michelle Obama has taken flack from the likes of the globally astute Sarah Palin and look-at-all-sides-of-the-situation Michele Bachmann for her efforts in educating the American public about healthy eating habits and exercise, it may be that we need some upper-level directive in the sport horse world to either encourage fitness among our riders…or breed stronger horses.
WT Scot Tolman has been breeding Dutch
Warmbloods for the past 20 years at Shooting Star Farm in Southwestern New Hampshire. Read more of Scot’s writing at
shootingstarfarm.com.
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