Time passed, the blood test gentleman was starting to get a
little tiresome in his impatient persistence, more people came and went in search of sandwiches, and I sensed a defi nite air of disinterest in my ankle. Finally a doctor arrived, fl icked off the light switch in order to treat an eye problem, causing protest from another doctor trying to insert an intravenous drip in her dehydrated patient, no easy task in the dark, and aſt er apologies and formal introductions, went off to discuss the loss of her toenails with the turkey lady, who, I was beginning to realize, was a far more interesting case than I was. My rumblings of impatience were threatening to verbally
erupt. At last, Dr Light Flicker came over to talk to me and I was wheeled off to X-ray, where, aſt er initial confusion as to the exact location of the problem, leſt or right ankle, Adrian was X-rayed from various angles and I was wheeled back and leſt outside the ward in my wheelchair, where my sister and I exchanged greetings. Politely suggesting I might be dripping blood onto a clean
fl oor I was helped back into bed, to be confronted by a male nurse who told me, aſt er being given directions to “the ankle”, that he’d come to fi t me up with an intravenous drip. T is was more than I’d bargained for and certainly more medical treatment than I’d ever encountered, and I sent him on his way, only to have a lady nurse arrive ten minutes later to explain, slowly and patiently as if to someone of limited mental faculties, which they obviously thought I was, that the anesthetic would help the doctor painlessly drain my abscess. She inserted a tube and I waited for oblivion. Which didn’t happen. What did happen was that the gentleman, who’d been awaiting
the results of his blood tests, fi nally in possession of them, whatever they bode, pulled back the wrinkled curtain around my bed and leered in to wish me farewell and good luck. I felt this was not a happy omen. Doctor Light Flicker returned. I was hoisted onto a gurney,
wheeled down corridors and parked in a room opposite a metal cabinet with a notice that read, “Patients are not to help themselves to food from the cupboard. Please ask a nurse for assistance.” I wondered how weak and famished the patients had to be before asking a nurse for assistance. Two very handsome gentlemen arrived, everyone in the
hospital was soap star glamorous, and explained they were going to administer the anesthetic, which just happened to be the one that Michael Jackson was given before he died. With a peg on my nose, a monitor
on my thumb and the magic liquid stinging into a vein on my hand, oblivion hit me, and it was too late to worry about Michael Jackson. Fiſt een minutes later I woke
up, lucid, alert, and as completely coherent as I’ll ever be; memories of the gobbledygook I rambled aſt er tooth extractions in my youth a thing of the past.
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