how important this tip is. When your partner has agreed to a time, you will have their full attention. Once you have your partner’s ear,


This "New Year" Resolve to Communicate!


s you compose your list of resolutions for 2011, I urge you to set a goal that you will consciously seek ways to enrich your relationships. Practice carving out specific times to talk and experiment with the guidelines I am writing about today. Start simple to experience how good it feels! As a Relationship Coach, communication is one of my favorite skills to talk about with my clients. Although commu- nication seems simple enough, many couples find it consid- erably more complex when the topic stirs up emotions. After all, communication is also how we resolve conflict. When communication is working, conflicts get resolved


A


and life moves forward peacefully. Open communication is one of the greatest gifts you can give each other, but unfor- tunately it’s not always easy. When the subject is a hot one, it takes enormous discipline to resist becoming reactive and interrupting with your interpretation of the situation. After you gain confidence using this communication skill, your relationship will become more flexible and dynamic because you’ll be free of the resentments and grudges that get tangled with unfinished business. Since your tone and approach will most certainly affect the outcome of your conversation, look first at how you typically get your partner’s attention. Realize that commu- nication actually starts when you’ve thought of something you’d like to talk about and you need to engage your partner. When we’re focused on ourselves, we tend to blurt things out randomly – either when we’ve mustered up the courage or when it just pops out. Unfortunately our partner usually blocks that approach. You’ll get off to a much better start by being respectful - asking when they would be free to talk. If you can recall a time when your partner interrupted you out of the blue to discuss something, I’m sure you’ll understand


24 January 2011


you can begin by sharing whatever is on your mind. Using a normal tone of voice, always begin your sentences with “I.” Own it as your own perspective without placing blame. You might start by saying, for example, “I feel angry when you leave our car in a mess and out of gas when you know I’ll be using it.” Freely express whatever you want to communicate - your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, issues, boundaries, and/or judgments. Realize that many people, including your partner, won’t see things your way. This is all yours. When you have expressed how you feel on that one topic, you may want to make a re- quest. A request is a positive statement about one specific behavior change you desire. Avoid framing it as criticism or as a complaint, which usually attacks


their personality or character and is corrosive to any intimate relationship. You might say, “Honey, when you’re finished us- ing the car, I would like it if you would clean it up and make sure it has at least a quarter of a tank of gas.” There will always be issues to deal with, but by making requests and focusing on what you want to have happen in- stead of what is wrong or not happening, you will be able to negotiate a win-win outcome in a positive way that doesn’t demean your partner. Be open with your partner and share your whole truth.


Intimacy means ‘into me see,’ a transparency between two people that requires that you share yourself fully. When you try to avoid conflict by censoring yourself, it may work for a while, but eventually the suppressed truth comes out in other ways - such as withdrawal, resentment or acting out. Being honest with your partner can be scary and difficult, but your forthrightness will result in the kind of relationship you really want.


Over on the listener’s side of things, it’s your job to hold


a space for your partner to speak openly and to hear what they have to say with curiosity and compassion. When it’s your turn, you’ll realize what a gift it is to be fully heard! Listen recognizing that it is their experience of the world and not necessarily yours. The key to success at this point is for you to resist jumping in with judgment, interpretation, opinion or defense. As you listen, occasionally reflect back, summarizing


what the speaker is saying, using their language. After reflect- ing, ask, “Is that accurate.” The speaker then responds and proceeds with what they want to say. The listener then asks the 3 magic words of listening, “Is there more?” In effect, the listener is saying, “Help me to completely understand your issue.” For most people, listening is far more challenging than talking. You’ll be a star if you can continue using the 3 magic words of listening followed by the 3 magic words of speaking – “ I love you” - when you’re done.


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