What’s it all about?

Mark Gorton ponders the big issues of life and golf.

Recently at Hoylake I met a group of French visitors to Royal Liverpool.

The only words of French I know are Hasta manana, mein herr. But luckily each of our guests spoke perfect English. Hence I was able to ask a burning question to which I have long wished to know the answer. “Is it true,” I said, “that French people suffer more from déjà vu than other

nationalities?” “No,” they replied. “Is it true,” I said, “that French people suffer more from déjà vu than other

nationalities?” At this point they had to leave so I am none the wiser. The recent mild winter and absence of heavy frost, ice, black ice, sleet,

snow, freezing rain, sub-zero temperatures and bone chilling winds are proof – if proof were needed – that climate change scientists do not manipulate data and that global warming is an undeniable FACT. As the seas rise it is likely that by 2019 the Hoylake links will be under five metres of water. Will Council regret the new and recently completed irrigation system? I fear so. My first blockbusting novel is almost complete. The De Vicenzo Code tells

the story of an American historian who discovers intriguing clues secreted amongst the portraits of Open champions hanging in the Hoylake Clubhouse. The resulting quest takes our hero on a globetrotting journey that returns him to Royal Liverpool where he makes the amazing discovery of an old relic in the pro’s shop - amazing because it is mid-Sunday morning when our esteemed PGA professional, John Heggarty, is normally still in bed. At a recent fund-raising dinner at the new Museum of Liverpool I am

lucky to be seated at the same table as Sir Terry Leahy, the amiable Chief Executive of Tesco. I take the opportunity to present my idea for a loyalty scheme called Golf Clubcard. Golfers across Britain would become Golf Clubcard members and qualify for massive discounts, particularly in the wines and spirits section. Sir Terry does not seem to grasp the concept and tells me about some ridiculous schemes to take Tesco into banking and

estate agency – on his head be it when Tesco shareholders read this and their fury is unleashed. My wife is also dabbling in retailing and has opened a magic carpet shop.

This morning she rang me to say that stock was flying off the shelves. Good news indeed as this morning I received a trio of worrying credit card bills. Indeed, times are tough and Royal Liverpool must seek out new revenue

streams. Hence my plan to build a new hotel in the car park called the Harold Hilton. Like all Hiltons the Harold will be synonymous with quality and fine service, particularly in the tastefully themed Bobby Jones Diner, complete with its tempting slogan: it’s mashie niblick good! I recently played a round of golf with some friends who are members

of a club that shall remain nameless in Caldy. Afterwards in the bar I was disappointed by their conversation – it was full of smutty innuendo and cheap double entendre. This dumbing down of our culture is a national disaster and I will have nothing to do with it. It was the same back in the days when I was a producer of top TV comedy. Whenever I saw cheap double entendre in a script I just had to whip it out. My great friend and internationally renowned hairdresser, Andrew

Collinge, is also a member of Royal Liverpool. His excellent chain of salons (at which I am in no way angling for free haircuts for life) could soon be facing stiff competition. I am told that Irishman Michael O’Leary, the low air fares pioneer, is about to enter the hairdressing industry. RYANHAIR will offer no frills styling without fancy gimmicks like scissors and mirrors. And if clients come with lots of baggage – like a messy divorce or delinquent teenage children – and wish to confide in the stylist, there’ll be an extra charge of £20.00 per topic. Finally, did you know that in every single human brain there is a layer of

tissue around 3 millimetres thick that’s full of interconnecting neurons and called the cerebral cortex? Makes you think, doesn’t it? Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60