By Peter W. Marty
Challenging conversations
Flashes of envy It grows out of resentment—there is a begrudging quality to it
D
o you ever wonder how to talk about certain difficult subjects? Sure you do. We all do. Nobody struggles to make conversation about the weather or the food on the dinner table. It’s the tough stuff that has us searching for words, and looking for a human sounding board to test out our ideas. This column series will surface a different topic every month for you to
consider. Some of these subjects may be “hot-potato” issues that you find yourself dancing around delicately. Others could be very personal, evoking deep emotion. Whatever the topic, my goal is to help you think through some creative ways for how to talk about these sometimes volatile or puzzling issues. Being no sage myself, I hope to learn new perspectives along the way for better han- dling of these issues in my own life.
If I mention the word envy, chances are good that you probably think you
are relatively free of its afflictions: “Not me. I really do pretty well enjoying what I have and delighting in others.” Is that the honest truth? It’s hard to say because envy is one of those sins that we are least likely to own up to. Who in their right mind wants to admit they are even remotely mean, ungenerous or small-hearted?
Should you accuse a friend of being envious over something or someone, count on your words creating deep distress. You have cut directly to the bone of your friend’s character. She is not likely to pour lavish praise on you for pointing out an infection that has claimed a portion of her soul. By the way, that’s what envy does—it poisons the well of our personality. Like an infection that won’t go away, it demeans and diminishes a healthy side of ourselves. Envy keeps us from appreciating all that we have going in our favor.
Every time we compare our life with someone else’s, we are bound to dis- cover inequalities. If you are a person who gets easily frustrated, you may call them injustices. Why is that other person prettier? Why is he so much sharper? Why does everything seem to bend in that family’s favor? Living beneath the weight of envy, other people can seem to us as so
strong, so well put together, so lucky and so blessed. Perhaps they are. But the comparison game is what does us in. That’s when we say, “I feel cheated.”
In order to talk with anyone else about envy, it helps first to have an hon- est conversation with yourself about envy’s aggressive qualities. Unlike jeal- ousy, which positively attaches to something you want from someone else, envy grows out of resentment. There is a begrudging quality to it. I want you not to have the good you are enjoying. I cannot delight in what you prize. Desire is a good thing in the Christian life, so long as God is the source of our deepest desires. Cheap substitutes like envy indicate we could use a little spir- itual behavior modification. Try talking about delighting in, instead of griev- ing over, facets of people whose gifts bother you. Take those assets and graces of their lives and give thanks to God in your prayers for their beauty. You’ll
need some selflessness to do this, but that ’s pr e - cisely what prayer is for. At
t h e
same time, use what- ever flash of envy you can most recently recall and let it inspire per- sonal reflection. Who are you in God’s eyes? What do you really want out of life? The odds are high that your answer to these questions will not be found in the pettiness of comparing your life to another.
Beyond yourself, latch on to a really trustworthy companion with whom you can level. Since envy is an inescapable part of humanity—think Cain in Genesis 4—you both have much to gain from each other. You are not rivals. Finally, remember that one kind of envy may actually be fruitful or positive. Let’s call it faith envy. This is when you see in someone else a depth and truth of religious experience and confidence in God that carries them through anything. This variety of envy is apt to make for some unforgettably rich conversa- tion.
Marty is a pastor of St. Paul Lutheran Church, Davenport, Iowa, and a regular columnist for The Lutheran.
First in a series
Like an infection that won’t go away, it demeans and diminishes a healthy side of ourselves. Envy keeps us from appreciating all that we have going in our favor.
May 2013 3
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