Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way (1 Corinthi- ans 13:4-5).
D
ear Hannah, Marta and Lukas (my three children): I no longer ask a certain question to young couples who come for pre-wedding counsel- ing sessions. I don’t ask why they want to get married. I used to ask that question, and couples would invariably look at me as if I was some sort of certified dolt, ready for institutional life. “Why, we’re in love, pastor.” But that favorite four-letter word always came out as if poured from a bottle of maple syrup, almost in slow- motion. Our notions of love have been shaped largely by Hallmark and Cupid—whatever makes the heart go pitty-pat. Marriage in our country has fallen into disrepair partly because many have never really gotten straight what in the world love is.
‘Love’ letter
Not a feeling, but a way of
life learned from others By Frank G. Honeycutt
Now that you three are in your 20s, contemplating mar- riage and (if your contemporaries are any indication) a possible long- or short-term exodus from church, I want to offer my take on this old word.
“Love is a feeling.” “Love is a many-splendored thing.” (What does that mean, really?) “Love is never hav- ing to say you’re sorry.” What a pile of hoo-ha that is. But those trite sayings still hold powerful sway. I don’t have to tell you that Valentine’s Day is vastly more popular than Good Friday in our country. This is partly because nobody has figured out a good way to com- mercialize the crucifixion. Have you ever received a Good Friday greeting card? “Happy Good Friday to You! May All Your Dreams Come True on This Dark Day of Our Lord’s Last Breath!” No market for that. If you had to draw a picture of what love looks like
14 The Lutheran •
www.thelutheran.org
without using any words, the general public is going to draw a heart- shaped valentine before they think to draw a cross. I’m afraid power- ful words first written to a little congregation in Corinth have gotten lost amid bouquets, altar kisses, a tossed garter belt and a shower of birdseed. Nary a wedding goes by without the great “love chapter” wedged into the marital proceedings. And don’t get me wrong—it is
a great thing to read at a wedding. But it’s a better thing to read at the six-month anniversary and maybe every week (or even every day) for the rest of one’s wedded life. I say that because we have a heck of a time defining what love actually is. And, because so many think it’s mostly a “feeling,” when the feelings vanish, well, we think the marriage is over. If love was something I did only when I “felt” like it, the relationships I hold dear would have been over a long time ago. And that includes not only marriage to your mom and fatherly ties to you, but also the close relationship I have with the church. It may surprise you that even pastors like your dad wake up some Sunday mornings and say, “Gosh, I really don’t feel like going to church today.” I don’t bounce out of bed every Sunday morning and say “Jesus is Lord!” like a TV preacher on amphetamines. I guess what I want to say is that I’ve learned to be distrustful of my feelings. My feelings aren’t always reliable. “Luke, trust your feel- ings.” Well, not always. Sorry, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Be suspicious sometimes of feelings—especially when it comes to issues of love. I don’t ever recall Jesus saying a whole lot about feelings. He didn’t wake up that Friday morning so long ago and say, “Yeah, I’m really feeling it today. I really feel like hanging on the cross for the sake
Honeycutt is pastor of St. John Lutheran Church in Walhalla, S.C. He is working on a book with Cascade Books, Jesus and the Family.
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