Alan Cleary
Readers’ Worries -
SecondSpasm Agony Uncle Alan’s here to help...
: Dear Uncle Alan - Am I alone in being irritated and bewildered by the current proliferation of fatuous corporate slogans? Do those who adopt them actually believe that this kind of drivel helps them achieve their business ambitions? A few examples will suffice to illustrate the kind of half-witted gibberish
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I’m referring to:- ● Begin your own tradition ● Dealing with life’s problems... ● Because change happenz ● You’re in good hands ● Because life is challenging ● We love the future ● A little bit different ● Your world, insured
Puzzled of Peterborough
: Dear Puzzled - You are indeed not alone in your irritated bewilderment or your bewildered irritation, but I think that “half-witted” is a wee bit extreme. I prefer “dim-witted” or “feeble-minded”, words which I believe fit the nation’s brain-dead ad-guzzling Sun-readers and
A 18 insurancepeople MARCH 2011
couch potatoes like a pair of gloves. You have my support. Every little helps. All you need is LV=. For some reason, you have omitted the slogans of some of
the most obvious culprits:- ● Don’t blame us, blame BT (TalkTalk)
● Talk to the hand (Ryanair) ● What have you got to lose? (Santander)
● We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got (Private Care Homes everywhere)
● You’ll never get better (Subway)
● We’re not the sharpest tools in the woodshed (FSA) ● Because life’s not
complicated enough (HMRC)
● You liked it so much, you bought the company (RBS) Uncle Alan
: Dear Uncle Alan - I am aware that, in order to be able to run an insurance enterprise, it is a sine qua non - whatever that is - to be having sex with at least one person
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within the company. I explained this point to my wife after she found a pair of frilly knickers in my briefcase. Upon my return from A & E, I found that she had changed the locks. Is this unreasonable behaviour and, if so, on whose part? CEO, Acme Insurance Enterprises
A : Dear CEO -
Entrepreneurialism and adultery are true bedfellows, calling as they both do for considerable stamina, serious brainpower, exceptional memory and an ability to appear stupid from time to time, if only to allay suspicion.
In the circumstances you have outlined, I fear that it is you who are at fault for not having kept in your inside pocket a key to the flat of the other person in the company you are also jumping into bed with. Personally, I always carry a pair of frilly knickers in my briefcase... and let everybody know I do... just so that the kind
of misfortune you describe will not strike my partner as in any way unusual, should she chance to ferret through my gear in search of an aspirin or a credit card and see the item (items?) in question. That said, “no frills” is better, from a number of points of view.
Uncle Alan
: Dear Uncle Alan - As a relatively young man, I found God and quit the insurance game. This was because of something somebody said at a poorly- attended insurance institute lecture in Croydon... but the details don’t matter. Looking back on my
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subsequent undistinguished 30- year career as a curate at the parish church of the Blessed Ageas, Eastleigh, I can recall only once having achieved something vaguely worthwhile. That was the occasion in the autumn of 1982 when I persuaded an Indian waiter who spoke very little English that “a
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