MONDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2010


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JOHN KELLY’S WASHINGTON


Bugs outline their troubles before a wise old chairman who has heard it all


T


he weekly meeting of the House Congressional Com- mittee on Insect Ways and


Means had just started when the first scheduled witness leaned close to the microphone and thundered:“Mr.Chairman, Ihave reason to believe that this hearing room is bugged!” Peals of laughter shook the chamber. “An oldie, but a goodie,” chuck-


led the chairman, gaveling the room back to order. He was an American cockroach, and he had the plump, well-fed sheen of the longtime politician. He felt at home anywhere but was never as comfortable as here, the com- pound eyes of legislators, constit- uents and journalists trained upon him. Most of that day’s business was


routine—amoveto extend voting rights to maggots; carpenter ants hoping for some deconstruction money; a report on the two wars (the country had been fighting against Orkin and Terminix for as long as anyone could remember). It was only after lunch that things got interesting. The chairman scanned the


agenda and saw “Survivor Bene- fits for Black Widows.” Ashiny black spider crawled to


the microphone. She had put lip- stick on her mouth parts, and the crimson slash matched the red hourglass on her shapely body. “She looks fine,” the chairman thought. “If I were six months younger. . .” “Mr. Chairman,” the witness


began in a sultry voice, “I come to you today as a single mother left destitute by the untimely death of my husband. For how much lon- ger must I and other members of my species be forced to live in abject poverty? Surely in this great nation. . .” The chairman cut her off.


“Technically speaking, madam, you are not an insect. You are an arachnid.WhileIamsympathetic to your plight, this is a matter of jurisdiction, and I question whether you should be petition- ing this assembly at all.” “I realize that,” the spider said.


“But I have the support of your esteemed colleague, the honor- able member from Virginia, to whomI cedemy remaining time.” Of course, thought the chair-


man. This had Mantis’s finger- prints all over it. She’d been noth- ing but trouble since she had taken over the seat previously held by her late husband. The chairman rubbed his eyes wearily as Mantis began talking.


“Single-parent households are an all-too-common problem today,” she said. “It has even affectedmy home.


My 300 children have never known the loving embrace of a father,havenevermadeaFather’s Day card, have never tossed around the football on the grass. I pray no one here has to suffer the heartbreak that we have.” I pray. That was the problem


with Mantis, the chairman thought.Too darn religious. She’d already pushed through legisla- tion allowing prayer in public schools, on public playgrounds, on public buses — everywhere, basically. What would the Founders have thought? And if she were so con- cerned about her children grow- ing up without a father, why had she eaten him? But the chairman didn’t say


that. The ways of bugs are varied, and the rules of the august insti- tution insisted on civility. He or- dered the formation of a blue-rib- bon task force to examine the issue, hoping that would buy him some time. It was a ploy that had worked


before. Every year, members of the Mayfly lobby would appear seeking certain entitlements, but most were dead long before they left the hearing room. They could be strung along forever. Maybe Mantis could, too. Suddenly there was a commo-


tion at the back of the room and the bright glare of TV lights. Heads swiveled to see what was up.


The chairman noticed that a


few startled potato bugs had rolled into little balls. Was it the Beetles? “Order! Order!” he shouted,


banging his gavel. “I will not have this turn into a flea circus!” As the crowd parted, the chair-


mansawthe reason for the excite- ment. The most famous bugs in America had arrived. Bed Bug and Stink Bug were an


unlikely couple: he native born, she a Chinese immigrant; he a blood-sucker, she a plant-sucker. But the rapid success of their respective species had made them celebrities. They had lent their star power


to various causes, and the chair- man turned the page of his agen- da to see what had brought them there today. “Global Bug Domina- tion: A Progress Report,” read the entry. “Ah,” said the chairman to him-


self. “This should be good.” kellyj@washpost.com


LOCAL DIGEST MARYLAND


Firefighter injured in fall from engine A Prince George’s County vol-


unteer firefighter was in stable condition Sunday after falling from a fire engine as it sped to a house fire, county officials said. The 20-year-old firefighter,


who was not identified pending notification of his family, is sta- tioned at the Chapel Oaks Volun- teer Fire Department, Battalion Chief Denice Dickens said. The man was on an engine responding to a house fire in TempleHills about 2 p.m. Sunday when he fell from the moving vehicle.Theman’s position on the engine and the cause of the fall were under investigation, Dick- ens said. He was taken to Prince George’sHospital Center. —Steve Hendrix


Baker plans 3 public listening sessions Rushern Baker, the presump-


tive next Prince George’s County executive, has scheduled three community listening sessions. The first, on public safety con- cerns, will be from 7 to 9 p.m. Wednesday atFrederick Douglass High School in Upper Marlboro. The second session,oneducation, will be held from 7 to 9 p.m. Oct. 18 at Lake Arbor Elementary School in Largo. A third session, on economic development, is scheduled from 7 to 9 p.m. Oct. 28 at a site to be determined. The sessions will be open to the


public and will feature an hour- long reception followed by an open-microphone question-and- answer session. Members of the


incoming PrinceGeorge’s County Council and legislators are invit- ed to join Baker at the meetings. —Miranda S. Spivack


Woman who died in elevator fall is ID’d Baltimore police have identi-


fied a woman who fell to her death in an elevator shaft as 43-year-old Tracey Baird. Baird and two others had been walking in a vacant building about 8:30 p.m. Thursday when she fell down the shaft. An autopsy found that Baird’s


death was accidental and consis- tent with a fall, police said. —Baltimore Sun


THEDISTRICT


Man charged in fatal 2007 shooting inNW A20-year-old SoutheastWash-


ingtonmanhas been charged in a fatal shooting that occurred al- most three years ago, D.C. police said. Officers said Gerald Ander- son was arrested Saturday in connection with the death of David Mayo, who was found fa- tally shotNov. 1, 2007. Mayo, 37, was found shortly


before 1 a.m. in the 600 block of ParkRoadNWandwastaken to a hospital, where he was pro- nounced dead. He lived in the 800 block of 46th Street NE, police said. Police said Anderson was ar-


rested by members of the homi- cide branch and Capital Area Regional Fugitive Task Force. He was charged on a Superior Court arrest warrant with felony mur- der while armed, police said. —Martin Weil


PHOTOS BY JUANA ARIA FOR THE WASHINGTON POST


Jasmine Spencer helps Ieshia Johnson put on a microphone before being interviewed at BET studios. Ieshia was among the eight girls in foster care taken to South Africa this summer by Extra-Ordinary Life, a group founded by Stacie Turner of “The RealHousewives ofD.C.”


Real D.C. Housewife tries to give teen girls in foster care an extraordinary opportunity


girls from B1


off the set, she can’t exactly lose it when she’s in front of the camera. “I can’t be flipping tables, acting the fool and then tell them to do the right thing and treat people respectfully,” Turner said. When she founded Extra-Ordi-


nary Life, shewantedto reach lots of girls. But she soon realized that she couldn’t and shouldn’t try. “It’s more important,” she said,


“to have a deep relationship with fewer girls.” The $70,000 trip to South Afri-


ca offered the opportunity to do that. After theD.C.Child and Family


Services Agency agreed to sup- port the trip, social workers be- gan spreading the word among teen girls in the foster-care sys- tem about the competition. Anyone who wanted to go had


to be doing well in school and would have to write an essay and sit foraninterview.Nineteen girls applied. Nine were chosen, and eight made the journey in July,


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“It made me feel good, because she wanted to help us and to show us the world,” KristinWoodland says of Turner and the trip.Here, she prepares for an interviewfor BET’s documentary about the visit.


accompanied by Turner and her husband, Jason, a couple of other chaperones and a couple of CFSA social workers. “I had never been on a plane or


out of the country,” Ieshia John- son, 16, said. About 18 hours after leaving


Dulles International Airport, she and the other teens, ages 16 to 18,


arrived in Johannesburg, where the experience really began. For Ieshia, the impoverished


school that the group visited was the most moving place. “The kids were very happy.They didn’t have much.They didn’townmuch, but they were still happy,” she said. “It made me think about how unap- preciative I am.”


And it made Ieshia, who had


ended up in the foster-care sys- tem after running away from home, think about reconciling with her mother. “Me and my mother, we didn’t


get along, but we’re getting bet- ter.” That’s real life. cauvinh@washpost.com


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