to change us, influencing how we think and feel.
by Kent Hawkins Getting a Grip on Y
OU MAKE ME SO MAD!” Dana screamed before listing half a dozen or so of Steve’s “offenses.”
Steve sat quietly looking at her, some- times muttering, “I’m sorry.” He and Dana were in my office for marriage counseling. They were recounting just one of the daily anger explosions that had occurred in the week since their last appointment. Dana had found Christ years earlier after surviving tremendous abuse at home that led to a life on the street when she was 17. Steve had accepted Christ within the past year, and felt a bit intimidated by Dana’s ability to quote scriptures and use spiritual lingo. Sadly, the pattern of verbal attacks in their home was anything but peaceful or Christlike. Whenever Steve did (or didn’t do) something that con- flicted with Dana’s idea of what should (or should not) be done, she would unleash a verbal barrage against Steve until he would “have enough” and begin his own tirade.
The chronic toxicity in the home took the predictable toll on their marriage and their 7-year-old daughter. They both knew it wasn’t supposed to be this way . . . they both wanted to do better . . . and they would even purpose each week to improve. But in the heat of the moment, it just “felt” right to pour out pain and frustration onto the other person.
18 EVANGEL | October 2010
Anger itself is not destructive. Ephe- sians 4:26 tells us we can be angry with- out doing anything sinful. Anger is an emotion, and there is nothing sinful about feeling something. The issue is what we do while under the influence of anger. James 1:20 states, “The anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God” (NASB). Instead, a per- son’s anger tends to provide all the rationalization needed to verbally assault someone else and then blame that per- son for our actions because “they made me mad.” James 4:1-2 explains that quarrels
and conflicts escalate because we can’t get people to do what we want. So we intimi- date, punish, or coerce them as we burn with anger. As one man put it, “I could get along with everyone if they would just do what I say.”
As Christians, how do we experience anger without falling prey to all of the destructive decisions and behaviors that seem to walk hand in hand with such a powerful emotion? The first step is prayer. We “have not, because [we] ask not” (v. 2), so we must ask the Lord for help. Sometimes Chris- tians think that the answer to such a prayer will be to change the people or circumstances that “make us angry.” More often than not, the Holy Spirit will begin
The second step is to recognize our own role in getting a grip on our anger. Paul admonishes us to refuse to accept angry thoughts and behaviors as normal for a disciple of Jesus (Col. 3:8). Instead, we are to “clothe” ourselves with different thinking and different emotions such as “compassion, kindness, humility, gentle- ness, and patience” (v. 12 NIV). Our motivation, Paul says, comes from giving up the very human desire to give people what they deserve, and instead purpos- ing to divinely treat others better than they deserve.
The third step is to replace our negative responses with ones that are in step with the Holy Spirit, who can help us practice self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). Having a replacement phrase ready can be vital to changing our angry and destructive behavior. It might be as simple as saying “I need to take a minute” when anger begins to rise. Having a phrase ready to say and practice can provide the time we need to respond in a Christlike way.
Deadly Sins
What about Steve and Dana? They are still togeth- er. Through prayer, they began to believe there was hope for them to change. They learned to take per-
sonal responsibility for their own actions and behaviors and not blame one another for their behavior. In fact, we ended every session with the reminder that no action from the other person made it OK to hurt each other.
They still have a long way to go, but they are changing the toxic atmosphere that once dominated their home. They are coming to realize that with God all things are possible, and that is true for each of us. Through the power of Jesus Christ living in us, anger doesn’t have to be deadly.
Kent Hawkins is assistant pastor of care and counseling for Mount Paran Church of God in Atlanta.
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