by Crystal Renaud The Stronghold of
My eight-year rendezvous with pornography began when I was 10 years old.
W
HEN I WAS 10 years old, on an almost daily basis, I’d come home from school to an empty
house. It never bothered me, though. In fact, I relished my solitude because I am quite the introvert.
I had my routine. I’d drop my book bag on the floor, grab a snack and a drink from the fridge, plop myself on the couch, and watch Saved by the Bell. Now, my mother did all the right things to shield me from the world: parental controls on the cable, filtered Internet, the works. Some would even say she went overboard, but she kept me both safe and naïve.
So on that ordinary day when I found a questionable magazine sitting in the bathroom primarily used by my oldest brother, I was unsuspecting. Sure, I had seen romantic movies. But I had no idea what sex really was, let alone what por- nography was.
So when I found this magazine, my curious self decided to explore my new- found freedom. And from that point on, I bought into the lie of pornography.
Pandora’s Box
The allure of pornography didn’t stop with that one magazine, but was simply the key to Pandora’s box. I soon discov- ered that pornography was everywhere, and it was easily accessible from virtually anywhere I went. I left no stone unturned.
12 EVANGEL | October 2010
I engaged in pornography on television, in movies, and eventually on the Internet. In fact, my first cybersex experience was at home on our filtered Internet, in what was supposed to have been a safe chat room.
As my porn routine developed through the years, I could get my physical and emotional desires met while still call- ing myself a virgin. Because, ironically enough, being a virgin was really impor- tant to me. But in my sin, I became deceived. As with most addicts, I covered my tracks well.
When I finally told my mom about my secret life a couple of years ago, I did so in layers so as to not totally throw her into a coma. She had been utterly clueless. Everyone was clueless. I was involved in all of the right activities and kept my grades up; I was the poster child of good behav- ior. And I used that reputa- tion to my advantage. The thing about liv-
ing a life of deception, though, is that it promotes a life of isolation as well. I was too ashamed to tell anyone about what I was doing because in my mind, I was the only girl to ever have struggled with pornography.
I was also fearful that if anyone found out, they would make me stop. And frankly, that was not something I was willing to do. So I kept relationships shal-
low and people at a distance. Pornography became my closest companion—my only companion.
In my mind, I was buying the lie that pornography was providing me comfort and security, both emotionally and physically. Just like alcohol or drugs, pornography stimulates certain hormones that our body begins to crave.
Deadly Sins
I cannot speak for every woman, but I am finding, through research and my own experience, that addiction to pornography for women is not as much about how it makes us feel physically, but emotionally. Women are emotionally designed for intimacy. In my life, pornography filled a huge need for intimacy, affection, and acceptance
that I wasn’t receiving at home—particu- larly from my non-emotional relationship with my dad.
My Idol
When I became a Christian at 16 years old, the severity of my addiction became much clearer. Pornography was my idol. You could say I worshiped pornography each time I placed my desire for false inti-
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