I ask you to move your bag from behind your knees. If you can’t push your feet back far enough to adopt the brace position, your legs could break in a crash.

> Tell me if you’re

worried. Since 9/11, the flight deck is locked so the pilots aren’t always aware of what’s going on further back. It’s my job to keep them informed—let me know if you’re concerned.

> No one wants the middle seat.

You lose about five inches by having to keep your elbows in and have to fight for the

armrest. But if you don’t check in online, they’re often all that’s left.

> Take the

vegetarian option.

You’ll have to book a “special dietary

requirements” meal, but because it’s made to order, it’s often better than the meat-eater’s choice.

> It’ t’s your taste-buds,

not the food. It’s not

just the rubber chicken,

honest. Your sense of taste is blunted at high altitude and that makes your meals taste bland.

> The alarm goes off

anyway. It’s

nothing to do

with your watch or underwired

bra. Metal detectors at

airports are programmed to go off after one passenger in every six or so, no matter what you’re wearing.

> I hatI hate to tell you this

but...I rarely have time to send back your oversize hand baggage. I usually tag it and put in the hold—but it won’t count as excess baggage.

> Airports are

a good place

to find a shrink.

They’re often employed to

roam the

departure lounge, checking for

suspect passengers.

> Boring pilots

are best. You want

someone who’s

reliable and completely

unflappable, which often means they’re terminally dull. But would you really want Liam Gallagher at

the controls?

> It’s more

comfortable

up front. There’s less

turbulence there, though if you’re nervous, the

safest place is in the back. Check out the best seats at seatguru.com.

> BA’s 757 is the plane for fussy flyers. In most

planes, the galley is next to the loos. In fact, airlines have a special dispensation to site facilities for what goes in next to those for what goes out. An exception is the 757, where the two are kept apart.

> If you want a more peaceful flight, avoid the

first few rows in economy. This is where we site the sky cots for babies...

> Your soothing music is my headache. I know it

helps you feel calmer during take-off and landing. But I need you to take out your earphones so you can hear the safety announcements.

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