Marriage questions . . .


Continued from previous page Where did you get help?


Joe: Through North Coast Church, Men Committed to Conquer. It’s a group of- fered through the Life Skills and Support ministry. Marlene: We went at times through counseling that I thought helped at that time, only to end up back in the same situations. The true help came when I found North Coast Church and allowed God to heal me. I allowed Him in to love me. I allowed Him to be my Dad not just my Judge. After that healing started and I was getting ready to leave Joe, I found the support group called Unintended Journey for women who have men in their lives struggling with inappropriate sexual behavior. It was life changing.


John: From books and radio programs on Christian marriage. Sandy: From prayer, friends, family, and God’s Word.


What was the turning point? Joe: Breaking through denial and delu-


sion by not continuing to lie to myself and to my wife eventually led to my giving the steering wheel of my life over to Jesus. Marlene: The turning point for me was


in early 2004, I had just found out more information on the unfaithfulness and was in the backyard on my knees asking God why He was doing this to me and why He did not change my husband. I very clearly heard God say, “I want to work on you and the changes I want to do are in you and with you.” It was amazing. I now thank God that I was willing to do what He was asking, even though I did not understand it.


John: Looking at myself and the changes


I needed to make in my own life, like selfishness, and thinking of giving rather than receiving. Sandy: Realizing God’s love and for- giveness, then trying to see my husband through God’s eyes, not taking him for granted, seeing my children, and being thankful for my many blessings.


What encouragement do you have for couples going through a difficult time?


Mitchell: Trust in God, trust in each other and communicate with each other. Theola: Don’t give up, pray — seek God fervently, and get some anointed, spiritu- ally professional counseling. And realize that marriage is organic and you both have to change, so try to work through the issues with that in mind.


Joe: Seek biblical wisdom and wise counsel. Marlene: Marriage is a lot of work, but is


so worth it. It is amazing with God and good boundaries. Get the help that is out there.


John: Look to God and then look to yourself and make changes in your own life to better serve her. Sandy: Put God first, remember why


you got married, all the good things you liked about your husband, and look at your children, the fruit of your love.


How have you been successful at mak- ing prayer time with your spouse a priority?


Mitchell: By having Scripture reading


and prayer time together on Saturday morning. Theola: Due to our schedules, we choose to pick one day that we would know we


could stay true to doing devotions together. We pray for each other every day, just not together.


Joe: Taking time to pray in the morning


and evening as well as when we feel we are being attacked by the Evil One. Marlene: We always pray together at mealtime. I leave it up to Him now to be the spiritual leader and initiate prayer time. I love praying together and including God in everything we do. This is an area on which we continue to work.


John: We make prayer time together


before ministry, during a family crisis and during family celebrations. We have com- munion together, we also pray as a family and pray individually. Sandy: We pray with each other when


we feel led by the Lord in times of need, sickness, stress, and in times of happiness and thanksgiving. We have communion together, we pray spontaneously together and we pray separately. We value our time with the Lord and each other.


Have you found keys to better commu- nication with your spouse?


Mitchell: Value your mate. Value the


words that come out of your mate’s mouth. Listen to your mate by giving them your undivided attention. Be transparent and use “I” statements. Theola: Try not to put your expecta-


tions onto your spouse. Realize that they communicate and understand differently from you, so ask questions to make sure you understood what they meant to com- municate to you.


Joe: God has shown me I need to be a


better listener as well as being able to share my feelings with her. Marlene: Yes, many keys. One that I


have implemented that seems good is to not make statements on what I see him doing or how I see him behaving. I try to put it in a question form. That way it does not seem so threatening. Also, I try to be clear on what I am feeling or saying, and not just assume he understands me. Many times our language is different.


John: Books, radio, Christian shows, and


by the feedback my wife gives me about her feelings. Sandy: Patience, by listening to Chris-


tian programs, reading, praying for my husband, trying to understand what he is saying and not being critical. By the way, we are still learning.


Are there Bible verses key to your mar- riage?


Mitchell: Yes, Genesis 2:18-25; I Corin-


thians 7:3-5; Ephesians 5:1-2; Ephesians 5:21; Ephesians 5:22-33. Theola: Ephesian 5:21-25. Joe: James 1:2-27, Gal. 5:22-26, and Phil.4:10-13. Marlene: One for me to keep focused on


in Proverbs 12:4. John: Psalm 127:1, “Unless the Lord


builds a house, its builders labor in vain.” Ephesians 5, I Corinthians 13:4-8. Sandy: Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirs up contentions, but love covers all transgres- sions.” In some translations “transgres- sions” is translated as “multitude,” so “love” covers a multitude, I love that. Ephesians 5, Psalm 127, Psalm 150.


Has your journey been all you hoped it would be?


Mitchell: Yes, because I dreamed of finding someone to love me uncondition-


ally when I was looking for a spouse. God blessed me twice, because He loves me, and my wife, who is a gift from God, loves me unconditionally as well. Theola: Seeing that I had no precon-


ceived notions for my marriage other than someone who loved, appreciated and supported me for who I am, I would say my groom of 30 years has exceeded my expectations. He is truly my soul mate and best friend! Thank you, Lord!


Joe: Absolutely! And then some, because


I can’t wait to see God’s plan for my life con- tinue to be worked out. He is amazing.


your children and your spouse. First, let’s look at how to bless your kids


T


with a day they will always remember. In 10 Best Decisions a Parent Can Make, we emphasize the need for children to be convinced of their parent’s love. Valen- tine’s Day is a perfect forum to display your affection and commitment to your children no matter if they are toddlers or teens. This Feb. 14, let them hear words that encourage them. Think of his or her best traits and write down as many ways as you can to compliment that trait verbally. Add to this some of his or her favorite smells: fresh baked cookies or a favorite meal. Use touch like a hug, a pat on the back, or a kiss on top of a child’s head to express your care. Bring in some great tastes in fun forms like a heart-shaped pancake or heart shaped sandwich. Then give them a sight to encourage his or her heart like a new red shirt, a heart-shaped locket, or a Valentine-themed scarf, hat, or skirt. To make the day kid-friendly, sprinkle


Valentine cards throughout his or her day (on the pillow, breakfast plate, tucked in school books, lunch box or sports gear), or use candy hearts to spell out an encourag- ing message on his or her breakfast plate, dashboard, or desk. This same attention to senses will make


you a great lover to your mate. In our book, Red Hot Monogamy, we give over 200 Red Hot ideas, and many of these can be adapted for a Valentine’s Day date. One of the easiest ways to keep a marriage sizzling hot is to plan a red hot romantic encounter with the five senses in mind: Hear: Download some new romantic


music that includes his and her favorite love songs. You can also use a sound ma- chine to bring in the atmosphere of falling


o make an imprint of love, one that will last, try using all five senses to make Valentine’s Day Special for


nc/sd February 2012 — Good News, etc. — 7 Marlene: My journey has been hard and


not what I hoped. However, it has brought me to a place I may never have gotten to without the huge valley I went through. I now have an amazing relationship with my heavenly Father. That alone is so worth it, but that is not all. Joe became a believer and I now have an amazing husband that is an amazing father to our children and the spiritual leader of our household. We will now make this journey together with God in the center.


John: Better! Sandy: Oh, so much more!


Using all five senses makes sense


RED HOT MONOGAMY BILL & PAM FARREL


rain, a dancing fire, or the sound of ocean waves or a babbling brook right into your bedroom. Smell: Use his favorite smell of home-


baked cookies, his favorite meal or your perfume to draw him near. Or use a smell from your history together to reel her in. (For example, the smell of cocoa butter might remind you both of a honeymoon or anniversary in Hawaii.) Touch: Why not try a new texture? Satin


sheets, a bear skin rug, a cozy quilt can change things up. Or give the gift of touch with a massage, a foot rub, or a dip in the Jacuzzi to lessen the tension and raise the endorphins which will help your mate’s heart (and body) be drawn to yours. Taste: Use some traditional goodies in


a romantic atmosphere: chocolate, straw- berries, or certain sparkly beverages for example. But any food that is a favorite can put him in the mood. Mama was right; the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And any day a wife doesn’t have to make dinner is a romantic day so book a reservation or whip up her favorite meal. Many couples also find it relaxing to plan and cook a meal together. Sight: Each of you shop in each other’s


closet for the favorite outfit you enjoy seeing your mate in. In Pam’s book, 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband, Pam shares a story of one ingenious wife who knew money was tight around Valentine’s Day so she simply gave a fashion show for her Please turn to page 15


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