The column that falls over and shouts a lot...
so you don’t have to!
hoy. haunting piano theme. Aye! For every solitary
A
As a by-product of
Today we cock our hats at a jaunty angle experimental pioneer there is a mighty Hulk. A
and say, “Hail. Hail! To the Nerd.” metaphor for the monster devices they create to
social alienation we can
Where would we all be without Nerds? make a mark on the world they could not achieve
observe that Nerds, far
Apart from in a changing room full of swinging dicks themselves. Like a plug-in for Cubase for example.
that is. Nerds are good, Nerds are holy, Nerds make After all, this is the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
from being solitary, in
stuff we like and then start internet forums taking (or Dr. Jekyll and Everybody Hide when at parties).
them to bits again. We, the mighty organ of all
fact seek out other
things bump and wiggle, do raise our Goblet of Rock As a by-product of social alienation we can observe
Nerds and form what
in salute to the mole-like dwellers of the obscure that Nerds, far from being solitary, in fact seek out
and minute. We take a rolled-up copy of New other Nerds and form what we term ‘Nerd Clusters’. we term ‘Nerd Clusters’.
Scientist and thwack the rump of all things clever This could be a dark room in a university, a church
and call it treacle. hall full of fantasy role players or a far-flung field
full of people in period costume drinking mead and detail. Much safer to gather information than dish it
In a temporary fit of lucidity we noticed here in our wee. A Nerd Cluster increases Nerd productivity out.
gothic tower of doom that everything we do starts exponentially. So theoretically a big enough Nerd
somewhere, somehow... with a Nerd. What is a Nerd? Cluster could potentially think its way into a higher This is a tragic state of affairs. Lord, at what point in
Really though? And let us not court fancies about state of awkwardness or even beyond. There are our increasingly inaccurately named humanity did
spectacles and ill-fitting garments accessorised with many sub-types of Nerd, which are documented in we decide being clever was stupid? Let us instead
leaky pens. That is racist and we frown darkly on that detail by other Nerds. Too many to mention but let look at that solemn and august source, the cartoon
type of thinking. We want to reclaim the title of Nerd us cut to the quick and look at the Ultra-Nerd. The freakazoid for a quote on why we must rally round
as a positive. After all, it is a term of abuse usually top of the food chain. this word of “Nerd” and hold it tenderly to our
coming from someone distinctly un-Nerdy. Someone bosom.
un-Nerdy is “confident”, which is often a word The deadliest Nerd of all is “The Successful Nerd.”
confident people use instead of “stupid.” Confidence The ancient and wise adage: “Beware whom thou “What they lack in physical strength they make up in
breeds a lack of analysis. Nerds analyse. To a fault. wackest with a damp towel in the school gym! For brain power. Who writes all the best selling books?
However the same instinct that leads to over- tomorrow he will surely by thy boss” never rang Nerds. Who directs the top grossing
thinking whether it is socially optimum to move more true than today. We are not talking Bill Gates Hollywood movies? Nerds. Who creates the highly
from the hall to the kitchen at a party, that instinct either. You may have met this awesome beast and advanced technology that only they can
also leads to wondering what might make the tin of not even known it. The best Nerds are so nerdy they understand? Nerds. And who are the people who run
cheap lager in our hand more fizzy and fresh. Next analyse normal behaviour so well they can pass for for the highest offices of the world’s political stage?
day the Nerd would design a widget to counter the anyone at first glance. You have met one. They are No-one but Nerds.
problem and then maybe accidentally burn their slightly cold, almost distant. They understand
Nerd house down. “humour” and “charm” and do a passable Yes! Embrace any anorak, boffin, nimrod or geek.
impersonation, do these replicants. But... how to Eggheads and tefals all. Nerd Pride is what we are
For Nerds are naturally selfless. True heroes. spot them!? Well, you could ask them “would you calling for. Honestly... do any of us really know HOW
Forsaking the comfort of normality and ease at rather have naughty bum sex or check your laptop our computer works? Not what it DOES... but what it
parties to create things that help many, while our for software updates?” And if the answer is “Mac or IS? But of course... that isn’t our area really. Now
plucky Nerd remains alone and troubled. Think Dr. PC?” you’ve got them bang to rights. In fact, most Chicago house and trainers... truly in 2009 it could
David Banner walking away down a lonely road with answer questions with another question. As to be said that truly we are all Nerds. Gawd bless every
a sombre roll of the credits, duffle bag and a answer would reveal an unearthly attention to sad-arsed one of us.
130
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DJ470.shameless.indd 130 19/1/09 17:35:28
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