“THE LAST TIME YOU STRUGGLED — HOWEVER OR WHATEVER THAT LOOKED LIKE — WHAT DID YOU DO? HOW DID YOU HANDLE IT? CHANCES ARE, YOU WENT ON LIVING YOUR LIFE DESPITE NOT BEING OK. THAT’S WHAT WE DO. THAT’S WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.”
That’s what we have to do. When I’m not OK, when I’m suffering heartbreak, like now, I’m
consumed by the agony of it all. Instead of focusing on work or getting lost in a book or some activity I enjoy — some activity that makes me, well, me — I’m stuck in an endless loop of the past, drown- ing in thoughts of what ifs and whether or not I could have done something different, something better. If I could have been better. I’m left with self-doubt, battle scars, images of a future I wanted so badly, images that are now blurry and creased and torn. Images that are now shredded. Images that can’t possibly come true. Then, when I finally look at the clock, hours have gone by. While
everyone else has been busy living their lives, moving on, working or doing something they enjoy, I’ve succumbed to my heartbreak. As a result, I’ve missed deadlines and appointments, and now I’m forced to play catch up, all the while nursing a broken heart that just won’t seem to heal. I may be struggling, but life has gone on . . . and I have to go on, too,
Cutter Slagle is the author of suspense, horror and crime-fiction works. Discover more at
cutterslagle.com
even though I’m not OK. It’s a vicious pattern, a paralyzing feeling. It’s not right; it’s not fair.
It’s life. And life is fucking hard. When I’m struggling, specifically when I’m struggling due to
heartbreak, I’d like nothing more than to crumble into a ball, eat copious amounts of junk food, watch Pretty Woman 50 times in a row, take a month off from my life, and do absolutely nothing. But who’s going to pay my bills? Who’s going to do my job? Who’s going to take care of me? Perhaps one of life’s greatest and hardest lessons is learning to live when we’re uncomfortable, learning to live when we’re struggling. Learning to live when we’re not OK. Yet, there is a bright side to this, though small, and thank good-
ness for it: Nothing is permanent. This uncomfortable feeling, this struggle, this pain, it’s not permanent. It will pass. Eventually. So, in the meantime, we have to hang on, be patient, breathe . . . and be OK not being OK.
JULY 2021| @theragemonthly 53
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