48 COUPLES therapy nfrom page 47
better of each other. “Each half of the couple should be thinking about whether they’re framing the view of their spouse in a positive or negative light. I find that when the relationship could be better, one of the partners is typically seeing and reflecting negative thoughts to themselves about their partner so it’s good for people to spend some time examining this,” says Voth. Voth’s own work as a counsellor uses John Gottman’s methods to address couples’ relationships. She became a trained Gottman therapist because she admired the fact Gottman based his method on research of real couples. “[Gottman] says that 69% of most conflict in a relationship is about perpetual issues that aren’t ever resolved,” explains Voth.
Some people are discouraged by the statistic while others find relief knowing they aren’t alone, she says, but choosing your words carefully during disagreements is helpful. Gottman and his wife, who
INCREASE CROP YIELDS
LASER LEVELLING LTD.
TRI-WAY FARMS
We service all of Southern BC
IMPROVED DRAINAGE
UNIFORM GERMINATION
UNIFORM IRRIGATION
FAST,
ACCURATE SURVEYING
CALL FOR AN ESTIMATE LARRY
604.209.5523 TROY
604.209.5524
www.dutchbunning.com Manufactured by
3 YEAR Limited Warranty
Made in Canada
works with him, talk about criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling as the four styles they see most often. “Criticism is verbally
attacking your partner’s personality or character. Contempt is attacking a sense of self and an intent to insult or abuse others, so contempt is, for example, speaking over the other person. Defensiveness is
victimizing yourself to ward off perceived attacks and reverse the blame and stonewalling is withdrawing to avoid conflict,” says Voth. Voth says most people
have a go-to style. The good news is that they can be modified to help increase the chances of more successful discussions. Instead of criticizing,
conversations can use the following fill-in-the blank pattern, I feel ___. I need ____by____. For example, “I feel frustrated. I want to move to looking at our farm budget monthly instead of once-in- awhile, and I need that to start next week, as opposed to “I feel like you’re never willing to talk about our finances.” A defensive response to
the above might be, “Well, I asked you to come look at the books last week and you didn’t have time.” This type of response doesn’t further the discussion so she says the better response is to understand and acknowledge your partner’s perspective. Better is, “I understand that you feel frustrated by my looking at the finances less frequently than you need.” The antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation, reminding yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and finding
Connecting more outside of work can lead couples to a better connection at work. FILE PHOTO
gratitude for their positive actions – for example, recognizing how they always get up first and put the coffee on, rather than focusing on them never making the bed. “I see stonewalling quite
often. One partner criticizes and the other shuts down. The antidote to that is to provide some self-soothing techniques or ask for a time- out to then remain calm enough to have a meaningful conversation,” says Voth.
Communication key
“A lot of people really struggle with communication. We think it’s natural but it isn’t,” says Julie Walkinshaw, a Vernon specialist in relationship and sex addiction therapy. “Without communication skills, partners can’t possibly understand each other’s holistic health – physical,
The World’s Most Durable Manure Spreader
mental, spiritual, financial and so on.”
She offers several tips, which might sound common sense, but aren’t necessarily common. “Take into account how
you talk to your spouse,” she says advocating that no partner should dominate. Always having the last word or winning discussions may feel good but isn’t good for the relationship. Instead, work at conversations where partners paraphrase each other’s comments to check understanding. “I heard you say … is that what you meant?” “I feel statements are the best because it gives a window into my soul and heart and no one can argue about how you feel,” says Walkinshaw. Walkinshaw says social media can cause issues in a relationship. Although texting might feel like connection, it can actually detach people from those, who in the past, they would see, touch and have a relationship with. Social media can also be a window of comparison which can leave people feeling inadequate or with expectations their partner
either doesn’t know or can’t/doesn’t want to live up to.
“If you’re looking at FB
(Facebook) or porn or checking out something else online as a form of relaxation … check your mood before you go into it. Is it a five out of 10? Time how long you are on it and when you’re done, do another mood check to see if it’s better than before? If it isn’t, that should send a message.” Walkinshaw says couples need to make time to connect with each other more. This could range from enjoying beauty together (art, nature), doing something creative, to recreation for fun. These experiences lead to emotional intimacy which leads to sexual intimacy. She strongly believes a
couple’s bedroom should be phone, TV and screen-free so couples can focus on each other. Ideally, it’s a sanctuary, not a place to argue or plan for the next day. “Bedrooms are for
relaxation, sleep, sex and gratitude,” says Walkinshaw. Voth adds that if one part of the couple is questioning if counselling would help, then yes, it’s time.
COUNTRY LIFE IN BC • FEBRUARY 2020
• Best warranty and service in the business • Strongest floor chain & drive system available • Unique design allows consistent wide spread pattern; eliminates clumping right through entire load
• Heavy duty fully welded construction throughout the frame and box – toughest in the industry
• Consistently and evenly spreads just about everything! BOOK YOUR SPRING SERVICE SOON! VAN DER WAL EQUIPMENT (1989)
23390 RIVER ROAD, MAPLE RIDGE, BC V2W 1B6 604/463-3681 |
vanderwaleq.com
LTD.
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52
