In fact, if you didn’t expect and plan for


some emotional reaction to this difficult conversation, then the conversation is at risk. Your goal here isn’t to eliminate all emotion from the thorny conversations of our lives. Emotions are real, and our failure to acknowledge this is our failure to prepare for them in productive ways. It is through this acknowledgement and expectation that we should negotiate with feelings (Stone et al., 2010). If Alexander resorts to an angry tirade, or


if Savannah becomes dismissive, we are less ratled, we understand that these emotions are a part of our shared story, our “And Stance” that will make these confrontations learning conversations by shiſting our thinking in order to shiſt our feelings. But, the crying feels weird, right? How


do we negotiate that? Let’s use the third conversation, the


“identity” conversation, which dovetails nicely to Ruiz’ 4th


Agreement. The “Identity”


Conversation | Always Do Your Best Rewind a moment. Why did you decide this conversation was necessary? Because you don’t want to look bad in front of this client and the potential business that client touches? Because the stream of ECTs and MFR corrections aren’t wise uses of your time? Before you answer that last one, think about the warrants about your value lying beneath the question itself. Savannah and Alexander cry for the same


reason: Teir very identity, in whatever form that appears, has been questioned by this very necessary conversation. You must negotiate by shiſting the thinking about how this question intersects with their identity.


Solution—Alexander You: “Sir, I can see you are upset, and I’m sorry about that. I’d like to explain to you what the regulations require of both us now. Alexander: “Well, why doesn’t it meet


them? I really need this job.” You: “I don’t know WHY, only that it


doesn’t. Tough, I can tell you what rules I must fairly follow next.”


36 datia focus


In this shared story, you can’t be curious.


Here, your lack of curiosity is the best way to disentangle Alexander’s character from his contribution. His story may contain myriad reasons for his drug use. Your story is one of doing your best. In the shared story, you don’t give him false hope or challenge his identity, making him defensive. In the “And Stance,” make sure that he knows that you will be impeccable with your word and be fair to him by following the same protocols you would for anyone whose specimen doesn’t meet federal requirements for appearance. In fact, it’s not him directing your actions at all, it’s the specimen itself and CFR 49 that dictate a different path to a flawless collection that follows protocols.


Solution—Savannah You: “Savannah, I can see you are upset, and this concerns me. You’re capable. Let’s look at what we’ve both done to arrive at this point.” You’re about to learn something that


may help you AND Savannah visualize and take ownership of your contributions to the problem. Once she calms down, she apologizes—


perhaps for the mistakes or because she’s embarrassed. She states the volume is overwhelming and that you harp about wait times. In her story, she is the fastest collector you have. She’s working circles around the others with no acknowledgement.


Figure 4


"The conversation poses a threat to our identity—the story we tell ourselves about ourselves—and having our identity threatened can be profoundly disturbing."


Douglas Stone 2010 Savannah doesn’t enjoy appearing as if


she is careless. In fact, she feels good enough about her performance that she thinks you should notice. However, acceptance of her own contribution would force her to question this very same identity; it’s what you’ve touched. Stone, et. al. paints this dilemma as “disturbing” in Figure 4.


Map Contributions to Solutions You: “Savannah, you’ve been a very reliable and solid employee. I trust that you know how to conduct a collection correctly, thus my concern with these recent mistakes. I should have brought these to you atention earlier. I apologize for that.” Savannah: “I hate to look bad. I was


really trying to do as you asked and keep wait times down.” You: “You’ve been really solid, but I want


you to be stellar. I’ll pay beter atention to ALL of your work. I’ll be honest, if we lose this client due to simple mistakes, it will be hard for me to see your work clearly. Let’s both consider how to blend speed with efficiency.” Look at you! Now you’re ready to forge


tangible solutions. You’ve evaluated her performance, not her character. Identity intact, she can hear you and visualize her contribution alongside yours. You can have contribution even when you are not to blame (Stone et al., 2010). You still need to identify clear steps of a solution. But the knowing/doing gap, which may be your next issue, is a different conversation. ❚


References


don Miguel Ruiz, Janet Mills. 1997. The Four Agreements; a Toltec Wisdom Book. San Rafael: Amber-Allen Publishing.


Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen. 2010. Difficult Conversations; How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York : Penguin.


Globis Ltd and PDC Consulting Ltd. 2016. 38 Reasons—The Difficult Conversations Survey. Glouchester.


Tamara Thomas leverages her SPHR and Masters Degree to connect with learners and systems where they currently are in order to move them forward. She is currently the


Corporate Director of Education for Doctors’ Urgent Care Office, where she provides continuing education and coaching for medical assistants and professional development opportunities for managers. Responsible for quality improvement assessments across multiple sites, she is a key contributor to the deliverables of the company, including the urine drug collection and breath alcohol processes. In 2017 she added DER training to her skills to better streamline processes for all in this important work.


spring 2018


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