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Regarding Relationship By Marina Maurino, MA


The Core Wound Apart unfortunate tragedies, relationships are the most


challenging experiences we will have in our lives. They will strain us and drain us as well as enhance and enliven us. They will bring us bliss and joy as well as pain and heartbreak. Most of us long for a loving and enduring relationship because the desire for love outweighs the fear of the possible pain…or does it? If the fear is deep enough or if it remains unconscious it cer- tainly can win out to everyone’s detriment. Over the years this column has covered a gamut of rela-


tionship issues and offered advice, exercises, information and guidance. The articles have covered communication, accep- tance, shame, expression of feelings, vulnerability and so on. Much has been written about why we need to express, how to communicate effectively, why and how we protect ourselves and other reflections on conscious and unconscious motivations for our behaviors and attitudes. Most of these topics, however, deal with the behaviors and


actions that are visible on the outside. These are the issues that people complain about and that are creating the biggest con- cerns. These are the problems in a relationship that trigger and create reactions. However, these “issues” are more of a symp- tom of what is going on rather than the real core of what is hap- pening and what is creating a disconnect. Is there, then, some core piece that unlocks the key to our


own unique relationship? Is there some truth at the very foun- dation of our connection that can, when exposed, infuse the relationship with an understanding that allows our protective behaviors, postures and defenses to dissipate and eventually disappear? I believe that a core piece does exist and that we can achieve an understanding of it. To achieve it requires only one thing, the willingness to do it. That sounds easy. After all, why wouldn’t we want to stop


arguing, disconnecting and feeling unhappy? Of course, we want to stop that pain. For the moment, then, let’s remember that our relationships give us the greatest opportunity to heal our childhood wounds. Therefore, if we are replaying old child- hood imprints, it stands to reason that our protections are part of that imprint. The wounds and the protections have been in place way


before our relationship. They are so familiar that we don’t even realize they are present and very active in us. We learned at a young age how to protect ourselves in order to survive the wounds of chaos, violence, neglect or whatever else our child-


hood presented us with. There is “comfort” in the discomfort, in the familiarity of both the wound and the protection that are showing up in our current relationship. I hasten to add that the wound is never exactly the same as the original. The feelings are the same even though the circumstances aren’t. Having an alcoholic father doesn’t necessarily mean an alcoholic husband but the longing for a loving father (who is not present because of booze or drugs) may show up in an emotionally aloof hus- band…in other words, we are hurting for basically the same reason; we are not feeling loved or seen. And to complicate matters, our partner always carries a


wound and protection that does a perfect dance with ours. I call it the “Perfect Dysfunction”. Can it be healed?Absolutely.Must it be healed?Absolutely.What is ours is ours to heal. It must be healed and if it doesn’t get healed in this relationship it is still ours and will come with us wherever we go. Healing it doesn’t mean we necessarily stay in the relationship. It means that we have learned what we have needed to learn in order to heal our- selves and move on in the relationship or maybe just move on. How can we discover this for ourselves? The first step as


mentioned above is to have the willingness to find out. This may sound simple but we protect ourselves from it.We may be protecting ourselves fromfeeling shame, being vulnerable, feel- ing out of control, being terrified and, unconsciously, from the fear of a shift in the relationship. If I show my vulnerabilities, the power may shift. If I admit my fears, I may be taken advan- tage of. If I am out of control, I may not survive. These all feel real and require us to have faith in ourselves and the courage to keep on. I am a fervent believer in the power of the heart, the power


of Love. In spite of all the difficulties we may have with our partner, if there is a foundation of true love then all can be over- come. If there isn’t that foundation then that may be part of the wound that needs to be exposed, dealt with and healed. The heart is not only loving, it is also wise and will guide us. Its wis- dom will speak to us but we must listen!


MarinaMaurino,MA, is a teacher/therapist who integrates


psychology, spiritual principles and an energy based perspec- tive in her work with clients. She welcomes anyone ready to work on personal or relationship issues. She can be reached at 201-967-9377 or visited at www.reflectingtruth.com.


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