ER 18
RegardingMen After 17 years of writing his
monthly column, this is the first time I’m addressing a crucial and central topic for us men.What does presencing mean? Is it a real word? Did Imake it up? I use theword and others have used it so it must mean something. Gentlemen, it does mean something very real and important. It means our bodies and our minds are in the same place at the same time in the exact present. That’s not really an easy thing for us men to do because we are con- stantly thinking, planning, prepar- ing and doing so much that is future oriented. How many times have we been
reproached for “being there but not really there”? Especially the women and children in our lives know if we are fully with them or not. A lot of self-observation and self-examination is involved for us to be truthful about how we pres- ence or don’t. We play with our children but our minds are on the barbecue.We’re out with our wives but we’re thinking about work or the people at the next table. A personal example just hap-
pened. For the last 13 years I have regularly been going for Tuina ses- sions. Tuina is serious, intense bodywork. (Look it up. It’s a 4000- year-old Chinese modality). I was in a session a few days ago talking to Pedro, the practitioner, and think- ing about dozens of different things. At a certain point I realized I was not really feeling or enjoying this valuable bodywork because I was- n’t present. My body was there but my mind was elsewhere. I brought myself back to the present to feel and enjoy the treatment moment by moment. I constantly have to remind myself to presence.We men are so overloaded that we keep preparing for the future and don’t stop to “smell the coffee”.
Men Presencing Getting clinical for a moment,
let me give you my definition of stress, which is a phenomenon that we all deal with. Stress is when your body and your mind are not together and are pulling in different directions. If our body is right here right now but your mind is in the past, you are going to tend toward depression. If you body is right here right now but your mind is in the future, you are going to tend towards anxiety.Anxiety is the ulti- mate in non-presencing as the mind is going into “what if” and prepar- ing for a future that doesn’t exist yet or may never exist. When I have been with clients with anxiety or even a “panic attack”, we stay in the infinitesimal moment, present, and as we breathe the anxiety subsides. In sessions with a client my
mind and my body are in the same place in the same moment as I look directly at the client and listen to every word he or she is saying. If I weren’t doing this, the client would know and wouldn’t want to do ses- sions with me. Everybody needs and appreciates the full presencing of another. Besides that, it is good for our organs and our health in general. It just happened to me again.
It’s so easy to not be present. I was just on my patio…seamless blue sky, flowers, views, warm morning sun. You get the idea. And I found myself thinking about this article, dinner, thinking about the two errands I wanted to do thismorning. It’s all future nonsense that prevents me from enjoying the moment. Nowhere is presencing more
important than in relationships. What is the biggest gift we men can give the woman and the children and friends in our lives? Being Fully Present! Women know this, need it and judge us when we don’t provide it. I’ve even heard women
ByJosephMaurino
say, “He’s not even present when we have sex.” Mind and body have to be in the same place especially with sex. How about when you’re driving? Have you ever wondered how you got someplace because you weren’t really present as you were driving? Dangerous as well. In relationships the biggest lia-
bility is not presencing. We are not trying or wishing to be somewhere else than in front of the person we are with. It means focusing on the other and not needing to say every- thing coursing through our minds, which is usually defending, blam- ing or judging. In order to be pre- sent with the other and let her (or him) know we are present, we have to LISTEN to what the other is say- ing. The best way to do this is look the person in the eyes, breathe and be SILENT. Notice LISTEN and SILENT have the exact same let- ters. If we listen instead of compos- ing answers to the other we get to really know and feel the other and the other feels loved and valued. What a turn on for her to feel that she is the most important thing in your world in those moments! And, yes, I know what you’re thinking, women have to learn this too but this article is to encourage us men to take charge of our lives and our relationships. Let’s do our part and see how what we do affects others through the airwaves. That’s what “energy” is about.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Joseph is a Licensed Clinical
Social Worker who practices in Paramus,NJ.He specializes in sup- porting males of all ages to deal with issues particular to men. Joseph also does couple to couple counseling with his wife, Marina. He can be reached at 201- 261-9129
Inner Realm ~ 2018 ~
www.innerrealm.net
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48
