relationships “Study: Uttering Phrase, ‘Marriage Is Hard
Work.’ Number One Predictor of Divorce.” That’s the headline I read as I was perusing Instagram for half-naked bodies and updates from
friends...also showing their half-naked bodies. The title was fromThe Onion, a real, fake news outlet that presents newsy-type headlines that are generally a spoof on modern day events and culture. Only this time, the headline didn’t seem so fake. As a psychologist who regularly sees couples, I
know that marriage really is hard work and that all couples struggle. As a human who has been a part of a couple for the past 28 years, I experience the struggle and sometimes I feel too tired to do the work. It made me question:Why do relation- ships that seem to start so easily… sometimes end up being so hard? Maybe it’s because though we may be with the
same person the whole time, we do not always stay the same people. Not that we are invaded by pod people and taken over, but we grow and change as people over time. Our choice is to grow and change within the relationship or away from it. When we meet that special someone, it is like
no other feeling. The exuberance, that thrill, that unbridled sexual attraction, and that emotional bonding all tied up into a temporary obsession around that one special person…that state is called limerence, first described by Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who coined the term for her 1979 book, Love and Limerence. She described it as the biochemical and undeniably intoxicating state that helps us to rapidly move from being two indepen- dent beings into one emotionally bonded unit. Limerence can last anywhere from a few weeks (a
crush) to a few years (unrequited love or an abusive relationship that can often turn into a full-blown obsession), but the average for most is about six months to a year. During this time, everything seems easy and the relationship just flows. You like doing things with each other, hate being away from each other and the sex is hot. In their 1984 book,The Male Couple, authors
David McWhirter and Andrew Mattison describe this time as “blending.” This is when that emotion- ally high feeling of limerence, helps the couple to meld into one cohesive unit. If only that could last forever, right? Well, maybe not.
That time can feel wonderful, but other things
tend to suffer. Friendships, career, family, even personal routines can be put on hold, or cast aside all together to accommodate this new person in your life. Nature has a way of helping you there, too. Once your brain has constructed a new permanent space for your new love in your heart, it helps you get back to the business of being you (only now with a 200-pound hunk that texts you about dinner). During the next one to two years, called the “nesting stage” by McWhirter and Mattison, it’s time to set up house with your love. But, as you’re doing that, it’s also the time to rediscover yourself by getting back again to your friends and interests after being lost in your cloud of romantic lust. During this time, a couple must learn to create a balance between being both a part of a couple and being their own individual beings within the context of that couple. Move too much in one direction and you look
like a couple participating in a three-legged race. Move too much in the other and nobody remembers (or cares) that you are in a relationship and will continue to treat you as if you are single.
by dr. greg cason
@drgregcason
drgreg.com
16
RAGE monthly | FEBRUARY 2018 RAGE monthly
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