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Regarding Relationship By Marina Maurino, MA
Stress or Distress? Stress is tension. It is what happens when we hold two dif-
ferent points. Imagine tightly holding two ends of an elastic band. It creates a tension or a stress on the band itself. Holding the two ends creates the stress. The stress itself is neither good nor bad. It is neutral.We can let go of one or both ends and there will be no more stress. I had a teacher who insisted that we make a distinction
between stress and distress. He said it is not the stress of life that affects us but what we do with it. How we handle “stress” is what determines if we will create “distress” in our lives. If you can hold onto this idea you will see that this distinc-
tion of words gives you the only control you have: choice! It gives us the opportunity to pause and choose how to deal with the stress.Will we create distress with it?When we make a choice it gives us power and control. So, imagine you are stuck in traffic. The cars are piling up, barely moving and you have a time con- straint. Using the elastic band metaphor we are holding two points. One is the traffic and the other is our urgency to get going. We can do something about one but not the other. If we keep hold- ing both the traffic and the urgency, we cause tension. We are powerless to let go of the traffic but we can learn to let go of our urgency. How does this idea of stress and distress apply to relation-
ships? Just like the traffic mounting up there are times when we feel that same tension/stress in our relationships. What we are calling stress is the feeling that we are being pulled between two points. Think of the many daily encounters that make us feel that way.We have to go food shopping but are too tired, we agree on a budget but our partner overspends it, we want to keep the house neat but our kids don’t co-operate, we want to be there for our partner but haven’t got the energy to do one more thing, we agree on a parenting issue but then our partner doesn’t follow through. These are some quick examples of situations that cause us tension because there are two points pulling at us. We canminimize the distress in our lives if we choose to.We
can let go of one end, just like the elastic band. Stress, two points pulling at us, is a fact of life. What helps is if we learn to make choices that will lead us to living a distress free life even in the presence of stress. That can happen when we take complete responsibility for what is ours. This means seeing what it is that I have the power to change. Here is how we can go about it. Once we feel tension and identify the two points that are creating the stress, we need to
determine what we can take responsibility for. In other words, where do I have the power to change something? This is the sticky place. It is so easy to say, “No matter what I do, the kids don’t lis- ten.” “My wife/husband doesn’t hear me or help me.” “There’s nothing I can do about it.” “I have no power.” These are very dis- heartening and disempowering feelings yet this is where the real work begins. It is where I have to look at myself and ask what energy I am putting out there. Do I have a victim sign on my back that invites others to treat me badly? Do I have difficulty express- ing what my real feelings are? Do I know what my boundaries are? Am I afraid to ask for what I want or need? Do I have diffi- culty receiving fromothers? Do I have difficulty being the author- ity, for example, with my children? Do I not feel like an equal to my partner?Do I think things always happen tome?Domywords say one thing while my energy sends a totally different message? Do I have martyr energy that says I have to do it all? Am I afraid or too controlling to delegate work? Answering these questions helps you to find places where
you have given up your power. With this awareness, you can make a different choice.You can take charge.You can take off the victim or martyr sign, find your voice, open yourself to receiving, know who you are and what you want and need and ask for it in a tone that implies that you mean it! These are some of the choic- es we can make to help us take charge and lessen our distress. I hope that this article will plant a seed in you. Start noticing
the word “stress”. It is ubiquitous. It is a major marketing word. It is a major complaint word. We all use it. Now, start paying attention to when you use it
and in that moment remember you have a choice. You can’t change the traffic or the long wait on line or your partner’s bad mood but you can certainly shift how you handle it. Start de/stressing by taking responsibility for what is yours
and having patience, tolerance and compassion for yourself and your partner. Perhaps you can begin your day with the intention to remember that one word, “choice”, and to go about your day de/stressing instead of distressing!
Marina Maurino, MA, is a teacher/therapist who integrates
psychology, spiritual principles and an energy based perspective in her work with clients. She welcomes anyone ready to work on personal or relationship issues. She can be reached at 201-967-9377 or visited at
www.reflectingtruth.com.
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