ER 18
RegardingMen Men Learning to Communicate In 18 years of writing this
monthly column, I have never addressed this topic. What have I been waiting for? Perhaps it’s so complicated or maybe so simple, I didn’t know what to do with it. Perhaps too I am a slow learner and it’s taken me a while to get the basics.When you live long enough, you learn a lot, sometimes from books, sometimes from people and often by making lots of mistakes. (I call them “errors” because then we can correct them.) Will Rodgers said, “Good judgment is based on experience and experience is based on bad judgment.” The same is true for communication and I’ve had a lot of on the job training in both my personal and professional life. That was meant to be a humble sentence. Now, I’m ready to share some
basics. Reducing this topic to a one page article is daunting but I like making this quick, simple, short and cheap! Communicating is an art and it’s definitely not about just talking. We’ve all talked ourselves and oth- ers to death and not gotten any- where. So, in no particular order, here are my learnings and sharings on communicating. 1. Communication involves let-
ting the other know we men are lis- tening not just with our ears but with our hearts too. In order to LIS- TEN, we have to remain SILENT. These two words have the same six letters! Look into the other person’s eyes and keep quiet and stay present before opening your mouth. This alone enhances communication.
2.My “famous” Three Sentence
Rule. I’ve taught this to many peo- ple and practice it myself. Any important communication does not need more than 3 sentences. Actually, after 3 sentences we start talking bullshit and you lose the other person. The 3 sentences have to be true, not offensive and not defensive. Use this as a litmus test
before you say them or write them, for example, in an email. Often when I sit with clients we literally write them out so that the person can deliver them clearly. No impor- tant communication needs more than 3 sentences. 3. Be acutely aware that most of
our communications involve Blame, Criticism and/or Judgments. The moment this happens, the communi- cation sinks like a lead balloon. As long as we use “You” in the com- munication, we’re screwed. Real communication expresses to the other what is going on for us. Thus, the operant word is “I” and “I feel…” In order to do this we have to check out and know what we are feeling. This is often difficult for us men because we’re so used to giv- ing and receiving blame, criticism and judgment. “I feel you are an idiot....” is not a feeling just because you use the word “feel”. Feeling is an
emotion...angry, sad, scared, happy, ashamed etc. The other per- son will hear and respond to the feeling but react to the criticism, blame or judgment. 4. Another strong hint connect-
ed to #3 is to start a discussion with the other, wife, boss, child, friend by saying, “I want to talk to you about something. It involves you but it is not about you, it is about me.” That immediately relaxes the listener. Then, we can’t make it about the other. No “you” only “I’m feeling…” 5. Do not use expressions that
begin with “You never….” or “You always…” These go downhill very fast as the other goes into DEER as Robert Glover presents in his book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. DEER is when we or the other immediately go into Defensiveness, Explanations, Excuses or Rationalizations. These are imme- diate barriers to communication and very unmanly, if I may.
Unmanly because they prevent us from taking responsibility, being accountable and taking charge of ourselves. DEER results almost always in an angry reaction and shuts down communication. 6. To really communicate, espe-
teachings
cially with the women in our lives, we have to express from our hearts (feelings) not our heads (DEER). We need to be direct and truthful in our sentences. This creates intimacy as it enables them to know what is really going on for us on the inside. 7. Finally, one of my favorite for
communication
involves boundaries, clarity, truth and directness. I have taught these 4 sentences to many people and with- out exception everyone has under- stood how important they are in communicating. All of them are to be used at one time or another. These sentences don’t have to be shouted just expressed firmly. “No.” “Not now.” “No Thank You.” “No F….ing way!”We need to use these sentences appropriately at the right times. So, here we are in one article, a
summation of communication skills. It’s not about the talking and the words but about the “energy” we convey often quietly as well as the manner in which we express the words. I believe our lives can change if we learn and use these principles in our exchanges with the important people in our lives. Try them and let me know how they work for you.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Joseph is a Licensed Clinical
Social Worker who practices in Paramus, NJ. He specializes in sup- porting males of all ages to deal with issues particular to men. Joseph also does couple to couple counseling with his wife, Marina. He can be reached at 201- 261-9129
ByJosephMaurino
Inner Realm ~ 2017 ~
www.innerrealm.net
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48
