12 San Diego Reader July 21, 2016
Walter
Mencken’s
SD ON THE QT Go Go,
Po-Po! SDSU Seeks to Resolve Controversy by Adopting New Mascot
P
oor Monty Monte- zuma. For almost 30 years, the fearsome
Aztec warrior and San Diego State University mascot has had to do battle, not just against opposing teams but against a steady stream of criticism regarding his very existence. Defenders have pointed
to the Aztec nation’s legend- ary excellence in conquest as sufficient raison d’être for his mascot status, and have even made efforts to update his image to reflect modern historical perspec- tives regarding indigenous Americans. But no mat- ter what, critics continue to lump SDSU in with the
Stay down, dawg! New San Diego State University mascot Po-Po, his tactical armor reflecting the police’s new away-game colors, lays a beatdown on the Fresno State bulldog during a pre-season scrimmage between the two football teams.
Washington Redskins, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, and the Eastern Illinois Krauthammers as examples of institutional racism in the world of sports. “Eventually,” says SDSU
president Eliot Hirshman, “We realized that the time had come for a dramatic change, a shift so signifi- cant that it altered our very school colors. We realized the time had come for Monty to be entombed in the hal- lowed halls of history and for
our excellent university to adopt a new mascot to rep- resent our collective spirit and will to put the hurt on the opposition. “We looked around and
SDSU President Hirshman: “A good mascot should invoke some- thing noble and strong while at the same time inspiring a modicum of fear in the opposition. And it should never exploit the prejudices that surround a particular segment of the community.”
realized that our new mas- cot would have to be human. Because, really, only humans are capable of the kind of recreational yet disciplined ferocity that marks a college football team. And we real- ized that he would have to be defined more by his chosen profession than by anything inherently personal, such as his race or tribe or need to sacrifice his enemies to appease the gods. We needed a mascot who embodied the values of teamwork, dedica- tion, and brute force that any good football team needs to win. And we think we found us a winner: ladies and gen- tlemen, I give you Officer Po-Po, official mascot of the San Diego State University athletics program. From this day forward, our teams will no longer be known as the Aztecs, but as the Police. Look out, America, here come the Police! Go go, Po-Po!”
On the popular Netflix women- in-prison drama Orange Is the New Black, Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren is a troubled inmate who requires occasional visits to the psych ward. But in San Diego, she is the new face of a new movement: Crazy Lives Matter. Protesters bearing a lime-green banner featuring Crazy Eyes’s face marched on City Hall yesterday afternoon, chanting “Mental Illness is not a crime!” and demanding sweep- ing policy changes within the San Diego Police Department. The protest follows hard
upon a similar march by the Black Lives Matter movement that took place in response to the recent deaths of two blacks at the hands of police in Loui- siana and Minnesota. CLM spokeswoman Marisa Maynard said, “While we do not wish to detract in any way from the meaningful work being done by
Almost factual news
Crazy Eyes on the Prize Popular TV character becomes the face of San Diego’s latest protest movement
They’re mad as hatters, and they’re not going to take it anymore!
the Black Lives Matter move- ment to protest the systematic violence against black people by law-enforcement officers across America, we do wish to call attention to the fact that, here in San Diego, seven of the ten officer shootings recently deemed legally justified by DA Bonnie Dumanis involved peo- ple with documented mental
illness. That’s over 20 percent higher than the national aver- age of five out of ten. I don’t know if San Diego’s police officers are racist. I do know they have an itchy trigger finger when it comes to crazy. And they must be held accountable.” As of press time, Uzo Aduba,
who portrays Crazy Eyes, had not been reached for comment.
Move Along, Movement
San Diego police break up Park at the Park homeless protest prior to All-Star game
“First it was the sharp rocks along the side of the road in Imperial Beach,” said Homeless Lives Matter spokesman Ron Vagabond from his two-person tent on Petco Park’s rolling green lawn. “Then it was this psychopath killing us and setting us on fire. But you know, those are just the latest, most visible aspects of a prolonged and multi-pronged strat- egy to get the homeless out of America’s Finest City. I mean, there’s a reason why San Diego has been steadily sinking on Hobo Times’ annual ‘Best American Cities to be Homeless In’ list. So now we’re taking a stand. Well, a sit. Or a lay-down. The eyes of the nation are on San Diego as it hosts the
[MLB] All-Star game, and we’re going to be seen and heard. Just because we’re homeless doesn’t mean we don’t have rights!” “Actually, it does,”
The pop-up protest prior to police prodding
replied San Diego police Sgt. Bill E. Club as he approached Vagabond and his fellow homeless. “You
need a permit to hold a protest like this, and to register for such a permit, you need a permanent address. You lose again, pal. Pack it up and move it out before I call in crowd control.” Between muttered curses and half-intelligible
rantings, Vagabond was heard to say that he and his fellows would return once the police had left, “just like usual. And so the dismal dance goes on.”
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