RED GREEN
RED GREEN
www.redgreen.com
Too Old To Be Loose I was sitting in an airport last week, and over
in the corner of the waiting area were a couple of teenagers lying on the floor sleeping. They were using coats as blankets and backpacks as pillows. And nobody was bothering them or even making comments. It was just accepted that these were a couple of normal sleep-deprived kids off to see the world. And I couldn’t help wondering what the response
would be if they were middle-aged men lying there, rather than teenagers. I’m guessing “not good”. Society doesn’t approve of men sleeping on the
floor in a public place. Not even married men. It’s a question of leeway. As we get older, our leeway shrinks. A teenager with the crotch of his pants down
around his knees is a hip-hop happening. When a middle-aged man does it, it’s a citizen’s arrest. Try to imagine a middle-aged guy hitch-hiking.
Or caddying. Or dating your daughter. There’s no leeway.
Get It In Writing The engineers keep coming up with new gadgets
and then the salesmen have to figure out why we have to have them. It’s called technology in search of a market. Well, I think I can help. I saw this gadget
recently. It’s like a little computerized dictaphone that you talk into and it converts what you say into text that you can read. The words come up on a little screen and you can print them off or save them on your computer or just look at them and marvel at your own genius. I have a great application for this product.
Instead of using it on yourself, use it to record what other people say. Everybody’s pretty fast and loose with oral communication but there’s a healthy respect for the written word. Just think if you could have recorded your wife’s
voice that one time in your 20-year marriage when you both knew you were right. Or that time your boss got into the egg nog and promised you a job for life. Wouldn’t it be a great way to immortalize what
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you’ve been told? Expressions like, “Your car will be ready by three o’clock” or “Your home will never go down in value” or “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s just a mole”.
Ten Indicators Your Company is About to Downsize
1. During the lunch break, nobody can find the want ads because your boss has them.
2. Your company just had a bad year. Or a good year. Or an average year.
3. The company president traded in his BMW for a Hyundai.
4. Extra boxes of Kleenex are brought in for the Directors’ meeting.
5. The company replaces the nurse with someone named Kevorkian.
6. Your office is being used to store Star Wars merchandise.
7. Your boss tells the courier about your excellent work habits and “are they hiring?”
8. Your request for a pay increase is met with stunned silence, then laughter.
9. Everyone in Senior Management is spending most of the day in the restroom. 10. You have shareholders.
You’re Not Getting Older, You’re Getting More Focused Some people see the aging process as the law of
diminishing returns. I prefer to look at it as Nature’s way of co-
ordinating knowledge, experience and focus. As you lose your hair and vision and hearing and libido and general degree of attractiveness to members of the opposite sex, or any sex, of any species, you’re left to concentrate on your true purpose in life. I’m still not completely sure what that is, but for
me it’s trending towards some combination of eating junk food, watching television and complaining. I’m sure I’ll have a clearer picture any day now.
I’ll keep you posted.
www.bounder.ca
Quote of the Day “Water seeks its own level. Booze goes
straight to the head.” – Red Green
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