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Understand Today


LIFE & TRENDS


Divorcees: Do What’s Right For the Kids


T


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hat any marriage can end in divorce seems to be a given. Back in the day, divorces required


serious circumstances like violence or abandonment. No more. Today it’s all about “growing apart” or not being particularly happy in life and thinking a new bed will be some sort of magic bullet to improve one’s life. Study after study has shown that


some three-quarters of divorces are regretted after fi ve years. It used to be that staying together for the sake of the children was sacred — now the children are barely a consideration. I get so many calls from women


who are dating divorced men with small children. That’s when I ferociously lapse into my lecture: “His children have already suff ered a cataclysm of loss of a loving mom and dad who were always there with them. Now they visit two diff erent households having to deal with other sets of adults that their parents are playing with. His time, attention, and fi nances should be directed solely towards these children — not you. “Suppose you marry him and make


some new babies. His children, who have already lost so much, get to visit Daddy living with some woman other than their mother and watch him love and be with new children who are there all the time. I believe this is quite cruel. You shouldn’t be dating a man with small children!” Sometimes the woman on the line


comes back with, “Well, the children love me.” I suppose that sometimes that is true. However, children generally try to go with the fl ow because they are afraid of the wrath


SCHLESSINGER 5 MINUTES


or abandonment or pain caused to either of their parents that could result in more loss for them. People are surprised when


stepchildren become hostile or problematic. But those behaviors are the only power they have in a situation that is rarely sensitive to their pain. Adults these days seem to see only through the lens of their own desires. Their expectation is that their children will follow along, like the family dog. It usually does not work out that way. This is one of the reasons that second marriages have about a 75 percent failure rate. Are there some stepfamily


situations that work out well? Yes, it can happen. But these are exceptions. My advice to people is not to date or marry until the children are up and out of the home and well into their own lives. I often get, “What? Are you kidding?” I let them know I’m not kidding. They have to take some responsibility for failing to maintain their marital vows. Once they’ve “messed up” it now becomes their responsibility to operate only in the best interests of their children. That point of view appears


to surprise many. We’ve evolved generations who increasingly see the world only in terms of their own enjoyment and momentary preferences. The concept of commitment is given only lip service or misunderstood entirely. “For better or worse” is not absorbed. It is no wonder that young people


today hook up and shack up — their parents have taught them there is no safety in commitment. Shame on those parents.


DR. LAURA


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